SACRAMENTO--Gavin and Joe Maloof, owners of the Sacramento Kings and the Palms Hotel in Las Vegas, are seeking public funding from both Sacramento and Las Vegas to assist in an ambitious project to build a giant, 50-story tower of money on the Vegas strip. The tower would house a hotel, casino, nightclub, and rotating restaurant at the top.

Jerde Partnership, who is designing the tower, said it would consist of steel beams and concrete walls covered in millions of hundred dollar bills both inside and out. The bills themselves would be encased in glass to prevent theft.

At a press conference today, Gavin Maloof called the structure “the only one of its kind in the world.”

“This is a historic project that’s going to blow the doors off of anything that we’ve seen before in Las Vegas or anywhere else,” he said. “The whole tower is going to be made of money. Everywhere you look there are going to be hundred dollar bills – beautiful, crisp, green hundred dollar bills. There will be lots to do inside: You can play Texas Hold Em in the casino, you can have some cocktails at the nightclub, or you can do what I plan on doing, which is lying in bed in my hotel room and masturbating to all the money on the walls. Trust me, you can kill a whole weekend doing that.”

Maloof called on the Sacramento and Las Vegas city councils to pitch in for the construction costs.

“Needless to say it’s going to cost a lot of money,” he said. “So we’re thinking Sacramento can just tack on an extra five billion to the arena funding they’re planning to give us – hopefully – and Vegas pay for the rest. They have plenty of cash, and this is going to benefit them the most. As for the people of Sac-town, you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing you helped build the greatest structure in the history of the world. Don’t bother showing up to it, though. We don’t want to pollute the place with the stench of ordinary people.”

The Maloof brothers’ other hotel, The Palms, is one of the most popular and hip destinations in all of Las Vegas. It’s frequented by professional athletes, rap stars, socialites, and other powerful trendsetters.

The new tower of money, tentatively named “The Money Palace” will attract a similar clientele.

“Let me take the floor here for a minute, Gav,” said Joe Maloof. “Folks, the Money Palace will be the single hottest destination in Las Vegas for the movers and the shakers, the people you read about in People magazine, the people you see on Extra, the people we’ve been fawning over our entire adult lives. I love celebrities! I don’t know how many different ways I can say it. When I die, I want my coffin to be made of the hair and clothing of famous Los Angeles socialites. And when I get to heaven, it better have lots of gaudy architecture and plush furniture or I’m going straight to hell. Actually I’m probably going there anyway, if the Bible is to be believed.”

The Sacramento city council has given no indication it’s prepared to fund the Maloofs’ money tower. In fact, the city still hasn’t formally agreed to fund a new billion dollar arena for the Kings.

“Upon reviewing the Maloofs’ request for five billion more dollars, our answer is no,” said Sacramento city council member Steve Cone. “Giving away five billion dollars would be completely irresponsible. Frankly, I’d rather not even build that stupid arena. Why drop a billion dollars on a new one? So the Kings can suck in a more expensive building? They should move those losers to another city if they really want to instill some civic pride around here.”

The Maloofs may have problems getting assistance from Las Vegas officials as well. Oscar B. Goodman, mayor of Las Vegas, called the money tower idea “interesting” but said it wasn’t really practical.

“A money tower, huh? The Money Palace?” he asked. “That’s an interesting concept. A tower made of money. Um…I’ll tell you what. I’d love to pay for it, but for me, it’s a tiny bit too much. It’s not even really practical. I don’t even know if it’s physically possible. And as the mayor of Las Vegas, I never thought I would utter the following statement, but here it is: it’s just too embarrassingly gaudy. Seriously, fellas, get back in the box. There are more important things I life than spending money and standing next to famous people.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - This article is satire and is not intended as actual news. Do not reprint without permission.