Phillies Fire Manager After 10,000th Loss

PHILADELPHIA--The Philadelphia Phillies fired manager Charlie Manual on Sunday after the team experienced its 10,000th loss in franchise history. GM Pat Gillick called the constant losing “unacceptable” and said the team needed a new voice in the clubhouse.

“Charlie has done some great work for us, but after 10,000 losses you have to make a change,” said Gillick. “Now I’m not saying it’s all Charlie’s fault, but when you’re going through a tough century, sometimes you have to bring in a fresh voice and try to shake things up. Hopefully the next manager will be able to get us back on track, because as a franchise, we’re still 1,190 games under .500.”

The team would have stuck with Manual, Gillick said, had he not reached the dreaded 10,000 loss mark.

“We set as a goal not to reach that 10,000 loss mark this season,” Gillick said. “Unfortunately we could not accomplish that goal. And while Charlie is not responsible for every loss in franchise history, he did preside over the 10,000th one, and to me that’s inexcusable. The good news? We’re turning the page. From this point forward we’re going to be the winningest franchise in all of sports. A new era has begun! After this road trip, of course. We’re playing the Dodgers right now and they’re on fire.”

When asked how much of the blame for the franchise’s embarrassing history should be blamed on him, Gillick had this to say:

“Well I’m the GM, so I’m certainly culpable. But then again, the players are culpable, too, especially our pitching staff. In the past few years they haven’t been able to get anybody out. Is that my fault? No, it’s not. It’s my job to acquire the ineffective pitchers. It’s their job to go out there and get the job done.”

The Phillies were able to avoid the dreaded milestone for three games after the All-Star break, but they were simply prolonging the inevitable. Now that it’s behind them, the players are eager to turn the page and forget about it.

“It’s something we’ve been hearing about for a while now,” said first baseman Ryan Howard. “And as confident as we are in each other, we felt that it was inevitable that it would come in the second half of the season. So what’s left for us to do now? Concentrate on winning ball games and trying to make the playoffs. Failing that, we can just hope the Braves, who have 9,681 losses, lose a bunch of games and eventually surpass us. It’s a modest goal, but at least it gives the fans something to look forward to.”

For the front office, the goal is to ensure the next century is more successful than the last. That’s why Gillick is trying to stabilize the farm system and avoid acquiring any more contracts that will cripple the team for years to come.

“As we look forward to the year 2100 and beyond we hope to build a franchise that is synonymous with winning,” Gillick said. “We must rebuild our farm system and also maintain a reasonable payroll that will give us flexibility. If not, we’ll be looking at 20,000 losses before you know it. And I feel sorry for whoever the manager is on the day that happens, mostly because the planet will be completely uninhabitable by then.”

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