NEW YORK--The New York Mets have been playing much better baseball lately, having won 8 straight through Sunday and pulling within a half game of the first place Phillies in the NL East. Their recent play performance stands in stark contrast to their listless performance under manger Willie Randolph, who was fired on June 17th and replaced with Jerry Manuel.

To a man, Mets players credit their resurgence to the fiery way Manual fills out the lineup card every day.

“Jerry has really lit a fire under the team,” said third baseman David Wright. “We’re hitting better, pitching better, and fielding better, all because our new manager takes a much more fiery approach to his job of making pitching changes and filling out the lineup card. You should see him filling that thing out before games. He’s like ‘Grrrr! Wright’s playing third base, motherfuckers! And Reyes is at short! Rrrarrghhgh! Fuck! Shit!’ And then he breaks the pencil in half and throws it on the ground. Once you see that, you’re batting average almost goes up on its own.”

Also, when Manuel is walking out to the mound for a pitching change, he walks with such purpose and intensity that the entire team is energized.

“The way he walks out to the mound – let’s just say this isn’t your granddaddy’s walk to the mound,” said Wright. “He walks with a swagger, like John Wayne. Then when he gets to the mound he takes the ball away from the pitcher in a firm, yet fair, manner. And occasionally he makes a double-switch with such ferocity that it doesn’t seem like we’ll ever lose again.”

In contrast, former manager Willie Randolph performed his menial tasks with the languid, laid back temperament of a stoned basset hound.

“Willie was an awesome guy and I respect the hell out of him, but he was just too laid back,” said closer Billy Wagner. “I remember when he used to fill out the lineup card he would do it slowly and deliberately and it would just send the wrong message. A lot of people say that a baseball manager has very little effect on the performance of the team, but we are living proof that the opposite is true. I personally have gained 5 mph on my fastball since the managerial change. Even Carlos Delgado has become a slightly more animated corpse.”

Perhaps the player whose performance has improved the most is shortstop Jose Reyes. Reyes is batting .400 in the last seven games with a staggering .486 on base percentage. The reason? Jerry Manuel.

“I’m so glad Jerry is here now because Willie was really bringing my batting average down,” said Reyes. “Now that he’s gone, I can see the ball better, I’m making better contact, and defenses are having a harder time getting to my hits. Also I’m faster and smarter. Even the weather has improved around here. I don’t think it’s rained once since Willie left. Intense managers can make it sunnier. The only thing they can’t do is play the game or do anything that any semi-intelligent fantasy owner couldn’t do.”

Added Reyes: “If we win it all this year, the credit should go squarely to Jerry Manual. However, if we lose again, it might be time to get someone a little more laid back in there. That fiery bullshit can get old pretty quick.”

Copyright 2008, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

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