BALTIMORE--After serving as Atlanta Braves pitching coach for 15 years and working with starters like Tom Glavine, Greg Maddux, and John Smoltz, Leo Mazzone may have gotten a little spoiled. Now he’s with the Baltimore Orioles, owners of a 5.55 team ERA. It’s a new experience for Mazzone, who didn’t know pitchers this bad even existed in real life.

“I have to admit I was pretty spoiled in Atlanta. I worked with some really talented people,” Mazzone said after his team’s 7-6 victory of the Angels on Sunday. “This – this is completely different. I’ve never seen anything like it. I used to think I could make anyone into a decent pitcher, but now I realize I was being naive. You can’t save everyone. Some guys you just have to toss on the scrap heap and call it a day.”

The Orioles’ pitching staff is made up of ineffective youngsters and middle-of-the-road veterans. None of them have been able to get it together under Mazzone’s tutelage. Statistically, they are worse than they were a year ago when they didn’t have a pitching genius on their bench.

“I really don’t know what else I can do at this point,” said Mazzone. “These guys just can’t seem to get their shit together. Kris Benson has the best ERA of all the starters. He’s at 4.80. Then there’s this kid named Daniel Cabrera who actually has decent stuff but still manages to be totally ineffective. Erik Bedard, too. And Bruce Chen? Well, Bruce Chen is a lefty, and that’s about the only good thing I can say about him. His ERA looks like the interest rate on my Capital One card.”

During his time in Atlanta, Mazzone was known for resurrecting the careers of pitchers who had struggled with other teams. The Orioles pitching staff has plenty of those, but Mazzone’s coaching skills haven’t been enough to turn things around.

“A few of these guys seemed like ideal candidates for me to break down, analyze, and then build back up again, like I used to do in Atlanta,” said Mazzone. “But this is different for some reason. Nothing is working. I’ve got charts, videotape, scouting reports, and every other tool I could possibly need and I still can’t turn these guys into serviceable major league pitchers. I don’t see things improving any time soon, either. The last I heard our GM was feverishly looking to acquire more hitting.”

Mazzone came to the Orioles this season to be closer to home and to work under longtime friend, manager Sal Perlozzo. When his signing was announced, club officials thought they pulled off a major coup. Now it looks as thought it will take more than a coach to turn this staff around.

“I can’t tell you how excited we were to get Leo,” said GM Jim Duquette. “I mean, this is one of the best guys in the game, one of the best guys in the history of the game, and he’s just what we needed. Sadly, I think the signing of Leo gave us a false sense of security, like we didn’t need to get new pitchers. Next year we will right that wrong by keeping all of our pitchers and brining back our old pitching coach. He works cheaper than Mazzone, so we’ll have some extra to cash to shore up our offense.”

Mazzone and the front office aren’t the only ones disappointed by the Orioles pitching woes. The pitchers themselves have been equally frustrated, especially since most of them expected to have career years with Mazzone at the helm.

“I really thought this was my year,” said lefty Erik Bedard, owner of a 5.67 ERA. “I used to have good stuff, too, but then I got hurt and now I can’t get it back. You’d think I’d be a perfect reclamation project for Leo. You’d think he could help me out a little at least. I mean come on, Leo, I’m not asking for the moon here. I’m just asking to be mediocre. How hard can it be?”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.