BALTIMORE--The Ravens appear to be very interested in acquiring Steve McNair from the Tennessee Titans and making him their starting quarterback. But if a trade isn’t completed by the start of training camp, they are concerned that McNair won’t have enough time to learn the offense. McNair isn’t concerned, however, as he believes he can learn the Ravens offense in around 10 minutes or so.

“Let’s see, based on what I’ve seen from Kyle Boller, it’s hand-off, hand-off, run for your life, punt,” said McNair. “That’s about it, right? I think I could get that down in about 10 minutes. This isn’t exactly the wild, aerial attack of the 1999 St Louis Rams we’re talking about here. Come on, people. Make the deal. The Ravens playbook looks like the Cliff Notes version off the Titans playbook.”

McNair has plenty of experience in complex offensive systems and feels he can make a seamless transition to the Ravens conservative, run-first approach.

“Am I missing something here?” he asked. “Is this system more complicated than it looks? You really think I’m going to need an entire offseason to learn the complexities of an offense that’s designed to play for field position and field goals? I mean, I’m sure they’re going to want to add a few wrinkles when I get there, but we can do that over time. For now, I’ll just take the snap and then fall forward for a couple yards and turn it over to the defense. It’ll be a marked improvement over Kyle Boller, who still doesn’t have that down just yet.”

After the Titans drafted University of Texas star Vince Young to be their quarterback of the future, they began trade negotiations with the Baltimore Ravens. If the two teams fail to reach a deal, the Titans are expected to release McNair before the start of training camp, a move that the Ravens believe would seriously hamper his efforts to learn the offense.

“That would really complicate things for us,” said Ravens head coach Brian Billick. “You can’t learn an offense overnight. It takes time. Our offense is much, much different than the Titans. It’s really like night and day. The only thing Steve has going for him is that I am an offensive guru. I can probably simplify the offense a bit so he can pick it up pretty quick. Of course, if we simplify this offense anymore we’re not even going to need a quarterback.”

Some in the Titans organization are still holding out hope that McNair can reach a deal to stay with the team, but both sides see that as an unlikely scenario. In the end, McNair will probably be a Raven whether he knows the offense or not. That fact is not sitting well with the team’s current QB.

“It’s pretty disappointing to hear that they’re trying to bring someone else in here,” said Boller, entering his fourth year with the Ravens. “I guess when a former MVP becomes available loyalty goes out the window. Now I’ve got to fight for that starting job. My only salvation may be that Steve’s bones at this point are held together with scotch tape and rubber bands. Me? I’m the picture of health. I don’t have a scratch on me. God sure does play some cruel jokes sometime, doesn ’t he?”

While McNair’s health has been a major issue in the past, he insists his body “feels great” and that he’s ready to step in behind center, whether it be for the Ravens or the Titans.

“Health-wise this is the best I’ve felt in years,” said McNair. “I feel rejuvenated, like I’m ready to step in and start winning some games. The Ravens are a team with a lot of promise. They have some weapons on offense, and more importantly, they have Ray Lewis coming into this season with a chip on his shoulder. When a player comes into a season with a chip on his shoulder, it usually means one thing: he had a shitty season last year and everyone thinks he’s washed up.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.