Mel Kiper Totally Forgets About Draft

BRISTOL, CT--NFL draft guru Mel Kiper is scrambling to get up to speed on the this year’s draft after being reminded just two days ago that it was rapidly approaching. Kiper, who says he “totally forgot” about the draft until now, has been on the phone interviewing coaches and agents as he tries to cram for next weekend.

“Aaah! Shit shit shit!” yelled Kiper when it dawned on him that an entire year had gone by since the last draft. “What was I thinking? Oh, I’m so darn forgetful sometimes. I hope I can get up to speed before this weekend, otherwise I’m going to look pretty stupid on ESPN. I’m just going to have to start making stuff up, I guess. It’s not like anyone’s going to notice. I’ll just scream my opinions really loud so people have to take them seriously. It works for everyone else over there.”

Kiper attributed his forgetfulness to many factors, including his new hobby collecting stamps and his recent obsession with the reality show American Idol.

“I made a promise to myself after last year’s draft to broaden my horizons a little,” Kiper said. “You know, I was so burnt out from all the facts and figures and stats that I wanted to distance myself from it. One of my friends suggested stamp collecting, which is a very calm and relaxing way to pass your time. I’ve totally gotten into it. Plus, they put that show American Idol on twice every week. Twice! I don’t know why they do it, but it’s really gotten me hooked. I’m pulling for Scott Savol. He may be a little raw, but he has tremendous upside.”

Kiper is grateful that he happened upon an article in USA Today about Alex Smith two days ago. It was a complete accident, yet Kiper believes someone up there is looking out for him.

“Talk about a coincidence,” he said. “I’m totally forgetting about the draft, it’s like a week away and then—boom—there’s an article about one of the top picks. It hit me like a bolt of lightning. The draft! If I hadn’t eaten that burrito, I never would’ve had to take that dump, which means I never would’ve grabbed that copy of USA Today to read while I was on the hopper. Sometimes cosmic forces align just the right way and save your ass. Still, I am pretty far behind. I’ve got to call Butch Davis and see what the Browns are doing.”

Mel Kiper has been a draft fixture for years. His name is synonymous with the NFL draft. That’s what makes it so astounding that it could slip his mind for an entire year. His colleagues at ESPN were baffled upon hearing the news.

“Mel forgot about the draft? Is he on drugs?” asked a concerned Chris Berman, who will host ESPN’s draft coverage next weekend. “How could he forget? That’s all he does. It’s his whole damn life. That would be like Osama Bin Laden forgetting about crushing the crusaders or Santa Claus forgetting about Christmas. It just doesn’t add up. I knew I shouldn’t have suggested he get a life last year at the draft. If Mel Kiper gets a life, he’s not much use to anybody.”

Berman said that without Kiper, the rest of the staff has had to pick up the slack.

“I’ve had to do a lot of research on my own here,” he said. “Talk about a depressing job. You have to call scouts, agents, players, GM’s, you name it. They constantly lie and contradict themselves, too, so you never really know who to listen to. But the worst thing is, I’ve had to put in some long hours with Michael Irvin. Ugh. Talking to that guy is an ordeal. My ears are still ringing.”

Now that Kiper has the draft in his sights, he says there’s nothing to worry about. The guru has plenty of connections in the league and things are already starting to come together. By Saturday, he says he’ll be ready for anything.

“OK, let’s see, I’ve got my draft board ready to go here. I’ve got all the phone numbers of everyone I need to talk to, and most importantly, I’ve got a handful of amphetamines to keep me going,” he said. “So far I’ve ascertained this much: The 49ers and Dolphins might pick quarterbacks but they also might trade down; there’s no true favorite for the number one pick; and Cedric Benson’s stock has dropped. As far as my draft day analysis, I may have to wing it a little. How’s this sound? ‘So and so had a lousy showing at the combine, but so and so says his upside is tremendous. So and so also likes his instincts and athleticism. And so on. It probably doesn’t sound like much, but believe me, I can go a whole weekend armed with about a dozen actual facts and a couple versatile, all purpose cliches.”