SAN DIEGO--Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman, who has been suspended four games by the NFL for failing a steroid test, said he was not to blame for the positive test and instead blamed a crappy masking agent, which failed to deliver on its promise to hide the drugs from screeners.

Merriman explained the mix-up to the league during the appeal process, but to no avail.

“This is not my fault. This is all a big mistake,” Merriman said. “I was told by my trainer that this masking agent would totally cover up the steroids I’ve been taking. Obviously if I knew it was faulty I would never have put it in my body. I just want people to know that. That’s not what I’m about.”

Merriman said the league’s steroid policy is flawed and took the commissioner’s office to task for failing to overturn, or at least reduce, his suspension.

“The problem with the policy is that it does not allow for honest mistakes,” he said. “I told the league that my trainer got this shit from a guy who works out at his gym and that the guy guaranteed it would hide anything I put in my body. They didn’t care. They said I was suspended anyway. So I’m basically getting railroaded by the league’s drug policy. Apparently it’s my fault that they failed to properly educate the players on how to acquire masking agents that actually work.”

Merriman’s suspension was supposed to start last week, but he was able to delay it through the appeals process. Now his team is facing a four week stretch without their best defender, and some Chargers players are angry at Merriman for letting them down.

“It’s pretty surprising that Shawne would be involved in something like that,” said quarterback Philip Rivers. “Personally I think it’s irresponsible and selfish of him. Now he’s putting the whole team in a position where we have to battle for a playoff spot without him. I mean, how can he make a mistake like that? How could he use a faulty masking agent? That’s like being a race car driver and not being able to get your hands on a decent set of tires.”

Coach Marty Schottenheimer downplayed the news, saying that the absence of one man won’t make or break the team.

“This is something we knew about a couple weeks ago and planned for,” said Schottenheimer. “It’s very simple: someone else is going to have to step up in his absence. This is not a one-man team. Plus, Shawne is a tiny bit overrated. I mean, he's not Lawrence Taylor out there. I’m sure we can manage to eek out a few victories while he’s gone. When he comes back he can resume getting coverage sacks and punching himself in the chest.”

Merriman was one of three player suspended this week under the league’s substance abuse policy. The other two were Shaun Rogers of the Detroit Lions and Mark Lehr of the Atlanta Falcons. The league said the recent suspensions are proof that the testing policy works.

“This is just proof that our testing policy is effective at catching people who do steroids,” said commissioner Roger Goodell. “Every player in the league has been briefed on the rules and is well aware what is legal and what is not legal. In Shawne’s case, he took illegal steroids. That’s completely against the rules. If he was looking for a competitive edge, he should either work harder or try some Human Growth Hormone. Seriously, everybody's doing that shit and we don’t even test for it. There’s no excuse not to be aware of it. We should suspend him a few more games just for being so clueless.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - This article is satire and is not intended as actual news. Do not reprint without permission.