Millen To Avoid Mentioning Anti-Millen March At Next Job Interview

DETROIT--Matt Millen’s tenure in Detroit is likely coming to a close, and the embattled GM is already setting his sights on future job prospects. In order to make himself more appealing, Millen plans to sugarcoat his disastrous reign in Detroit by excluding some of the uglier details, such as the thousand-person anti-Matt Millen rally that took place on Sunday.

Millen’s agent has advised him that mentioning the parade may hurt his chances at landing a new position.

“My agent tells me that talking about this ‘Millen Man March’ would be detrimental to my career as a general manager,” Millen said during a phone interview today. “I can see his point. A thousand people marching in the streets calling for your ouster reflects poorly on your job performance. So I guess I just won't mention it to any potential employers. Personally I don't think it's such a big deal, but you know how petty people can be sometimes.”

The protest was sponsored by a local radio station. Though it started with only 500 people, the crowd grew to over 1,000 during the five-block march to Ford Field. Millen himself didn’t see the march but commented on it afterward.

“The fans should know that whatever frustration they’re feeling, we’re feeling the same way,” he said, moments after the Lions 41-17 loss. “However, I would really appreciate it if they would curb the public displays of hatred. That could hurt my future job prospects. For instance, if you’re interviewing for a job at Krispy Kreme, and the manager gets wind that you once pissed in the coffee maker while you were working at Dunkin Donuts, that might reflect badly on you. Well, that’s how I feel. I’ve been pissing in the coffee maker that is the Detroit Lions all these years, and I’d really rather people didn’t find out about it.”

Lions CEO William Clay Ford hasn’t stated publicly that Millen is on his way out, but sources inside the organization say it’s only a matter of time.

“Matt is out. I think even he knows that,” said one high ranking club official. “Things are going pretty rough when people are burning you in effigy. If I were him I would never, ever mention this to a potential employer. I wouldn't mention it to anyone. That would be like Brian Billick acknowledging that he coached the Ravens for the past six years.”

Even if Millen doesn’t mention the infamous march, he may still have a hard time getting a new job, the official said.

“If you talk to people around the league, they just don’t want to be associated with the guy right now. He has a negative stigma attached to him. If I were Matt I would take a few years off, change my name, get plastic surgery and start interviewing for jobs in the Canadian Football League. Once he gets a few years under his belt, he can use that experience to interview for jobs in the Arena League. After ten or fifteen good, solid years of experience doing that, he can retire, and never speak of the NFL again.”

What should complicate matters even more for Millen is the fact that his current employers aren’t exactly chomping at the bit to give him an endorsement.

“You have to be very careful about who you give an endorsement to,” said chief operating officer Tom Lewand, “because that stuff reflects back on you. I’m not saying that Matt is a bad guy or a bad employee, I’m just saying that you have to be careful who you give an endorsement to. See, if I were to recommend an utter failure for a job with, say, the Eagles, that might reflect badly on me and in turn hinder my chances of getting a job with the Eagles—which I’d really love. Eagles, are you listening?”

In addition to covering up the anti-Millen protest, Millen also plans to cover up other aspects of his failed tenure with the Lions, including the hiring of Marty Mornhinweg and the drafting of Charles Rogers.

“I’m definitely going to have to be creative with my resume this time around,” Millen said. “Everybody does it. Everybody lies a little bit. The Marty Mornhinweg hiring? Gone. Charlie Rogers? Gone. The firing of Steve Mariucci? Gonzo! Oh, and if I’m the Detroit Lions’ brass, I’m deleting the hiring of me from my resume. Just a piece of friendly advice, guys.”