NEW YORK--Once every four years, offices and factories around the world go silent as workers everywhere play hooky to watch the FIFA World Cup. The joyous tradition has even reached the shores of the United States, with one major difference: Americans will not actually be watching the World Cup. Most of them will be sleeping in or running errands instead.

“Oh, it’s that time of year again! It’s time for the World Cup!” said 30-year-old Mark Weinstein, a customer service rep at Bank of America. “It’s a chance for us to come together as a nation, a chance to put aside all our differences and gives ourselves, if only for a short time, the gift of hope. Of course, since it’s such a momentous occasion I’ll have to skip work. You only get so many opportunities to watch Bruce Arena, Mia Hamm, and Pele represent your nation in a world tournament. Go America!”

Weinstein is one of millions of Americans who will use the World Cup as an excuse to take an unwarranted personal day. He, like many others, got the idea from a frequently-aired television commercial.

“I was really moved by that television commercial they keep showing,” Weinstein said. “You know, the one with the voice-over by Bono. He’s like ‘offices around the world will be closed and bosses won’t even give a shit,’ and then it shows a bunch of empty desks and stuff. So I decided I want to be a part of it. I just hope my boss doesn’t get mad. He’s kind of lame and doesn’t understand what a beautiful sport soccer is, what with all the kicking and the hollering and such.”

Some Americans are even taking multiple days off in order to express their love for the beauty and poetry of running to the supermarket or going to the bank.

“Three days in a row, that’s what I’m taking,” said Julie Ackerman, 37, an administrative assistant for a large accounting firm. “I explained to my boss that I had to watch the World Cup and that I needed three days to get my fix. Plus, I have European ancestors so there’s probably a little soccer in my blood. Is Europe playing in the World Cup this year? I hear they have a pretty good team.”

Starting Friday, employers across the nation will brace themselves for the flood of soccer-related absences. Knowing there’s little they can do to stop the beloved tradition, most companies will just cut their losses and wait out the tournament.

Stephen Dwyer, manger of Drayton Foods in Amherst, MA, plans to close the office for at least one day next week to deal with the shortage of workers.

“It’s uncanny to have so many people skipping work,” said Dwyer, 45. “At first I was going to put my foot down, but then I figured ‘What he hell?’ It’s once every four years, it’s something that really brings the nation together, and I’m not going to be the wet towel that stands in the way of everyone’s fun. Plus, have you seen that Bono commercial? Apparently the world is going to change because of the World Cup. Everything’s going to be better! World peace! A brotherhood of man! Oh, soccer, thank you for being so wonderful. And fuck you baseball, for never changing a damn thing.”

Not all bosses are buying into the sudden soccer craze that is sweeping the nation. For some, it represents nothing more than a pathetic excuse for workers to neglect their responsibilities.

“Oh please, if I hear one more person tell me that they have to stay home to catch their beloved US soccer team I am going to throw up,” said Phil Denton, assistant manager at a Home Depot in southern Connecticut. “It’s obvious that everyone’s trying to get on the soccer bandwagon and pretend to love it just so they can have an excuse to get out of work. Apparently we’re copying the Europeans now. Great. Before you know it we’ll be driving on the wrong side of the road and signing the Kyoto Treaty.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.