NEW YORK--Major League Baseball’s investigation into past steroid use by its players has officially changed focus, the league revealed yesterday. Instead of seeking to identify players who have used steroids, the Mitchell Investigation, headed by former Senator George J Mitchell, will seek to identify players who didn’t do steroids.

The new strategy should enable the commission to zero in on a small handful of players rather than implicate hundreds of them.

“There seems to be no end to the number of players who did steroids in the past ten or twenty years,” said Commissioner Bud Selig. “So instead of trying to identify each and every one of them, we’re going to try and find the guys that didn’t do steroids and publicize their names. If you don’t hear the name of your favorite player on the small list of the innocent, I’m sorry, but that player is a steroid user. Don’t feel too bad, though. Pretty much everyone tried them at least once. It was only the nerdiest of the nerds who managed to stay clean.”

Selig wouldn’t venture a guess as to the exact number of clean players in the past 20 years, but sources indicate the number is somewhere between six and seven.

“I’m not going to give a number because we haven’t completed our investigation yet,” Selig said. “But we’re going to have to do some serious digging to find out who these guys are. We’ll talk to everybody and follow the investigation wherever it leads us. Then finally we can put this whole thing to rest, and focus on the real issues facing the game today, like the fact that everybody’s doing HGH and we don’t even test for it.”

On Saturday, the LA Times reported that pitcher Jason Grimsley, an admitted steroid user, implicated Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, Miguel Tejada, and others in a sworn affidavit attained by federal agents. Though the players have denied the allegations, the cloud of suspicion remains.

Unfortunately, Selig says, it’s impossible to punish every single person.

“If we kept going with our investigation, you would have heard a lot more names,” said Selig. “But we can’t punish everyone, especially players who have long since retired. So it’s really just a matter of exposing their names and subjecting them to public ridicule. Yay. That’s going to do a lot. I’ve been exposed to public ridicule for years and I’m still an asshole.”

One name that's been leaked as a possible clean player is Cardinals infielder David Eckstein. Eckstein, a tiny shortstop who almost never hits home runs, was reportedly fingered by Grimsley as the only player today who has never experimented with performance enhancing drugs.

When reached for comment, Eckstein denied even knowing Grimsley.

“I don’t even know that guy. I don’t know why he’s dragging my name into this,” said Eckstein. “What he's saying is true, though. I’ve never done any steroids in my career. Of course, everybody says they’ve never done them, but it’s hard to distinguish between those who are lying and those who are telling the truth. Just play it safe and assume that everybody’s guilty. You’re only going to be off by three, maybe four people.”

When asked if he was surprised by the recent allegations by Grimsley, Eckstein said “not at all.”

“It’s not surprising,” he said. “I mean, I certainly don’t have any proof that Clemens of Pettitte or any of those other guys ever did anything, but it wouldn’t shock me at all if it turned out to be true. Hell the only reason I didn’t do it is because I have morals and I understand that cheating is wrong. Plus I'm such a small guy. If I started juicing I would just look weird. And I don't need my balls shrinking any smaller than they already are, thank you very much. ”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.