NEW YORK--For the past few months, Sports Illustrated has been feeding its readers a steady diet of swimsuit models and illegal steroids. Now, according to one editor, the SI team is working on a “dream story” that will be “the best of both worlds.” That story? A shocking expose about hot swimsuit models receiving illegal shipments of Human Growth Hormone.

The four part story, which will hit the shelves in April, will contain names and photos of models who have allegedly purchased HGH from a pharmacy in Florida.

“This is going to be the ultimate story,” said senior editor Andrew Gross. “It’s like a dream come true. It’s everything we hold dear. It’s bikinis and bimbos and illicit drug use and unnamed sources and backroom shenanigans and breasts, breasts, breasts! And nipples and butts and…hold on, let me catch my breath. This story, which will be spread over four glorious issues, will be our crowning achievement. After it’s done, we’ll probably just have to close up shop and think of something else to do because there’s no goddamn way we’re topping this one.”

According to Gross, the idea was first pitched during a editorial meeting in December by a young staff writer eager to make his mark.

“We were just sitting around, bouncing ideas off each other, when all of a sudden this kid says ‘How about a story about swimsuit models…and steroids?’” said Gross. “We were floored. This is exactly the kind of hard-hitting, penetrating idea that made Sports Illustrated the preeminent sports publication in the country. Of course, we had to figure out a way to tie the whole thing together, so we put a couple of our best guys on it. Jon Heyman is one of them. You know, the guy’s who’s been raiding athletes’ medicine cabinets the past few months? Yea, him. He broke the whole story, that little pit bull, and all he had to do was send the ladies some HGH and then ask them about it. Busted!”

Heyman, who has worked tirelessly on a recent story about a Florida pharmacy accused of supplying Human Growth Hormone to professional athletes, said the steroid/swimsuit tale was “a tough nut to crack” but his editors refused to let him back down.

“They were very much insistent that I get this story done,” said Heyman. “I told them there weren’t any real connections between the swimsuit models and that pharmacy, but they wouldn’t have any of it. Andrew was just like ‘Jon – steroids, swimsuit models. Steroids and swimsuit models. This is a story that has to be told.’ So I just rolled up my sleeves and went to work. Actually I’m quite pleased with the results. It’s not exactly Game of Shadows, but, hey, that book didn’t have knockers.”

Heyman also noted that the cover of the magazine looked “awesome.”

“We had a graphic design team work on the cover,” he said. “It’s a picture of one of our models lying naked on the beach and a giant syringe, like, floating in the sky over her head. Is that kick-ass or what? And we’re going to release a DVD of the making of it, only it won’t contain any actual footage of the investigation, just a bunch of broads running around in thongs. And there’s a calendar, too. And a video game. And a soundtrack. And none of this was my idea. Just thought I'd mention that.”

Sports Illustrated hasn’t mentioned any names in the probe as of yet, but sources say that many high profile models will be included. One of the models, Marisa Miller, admitted to being contacted by the magazine, but said she was not involved in any wrongdoing.

“I haven’t done any steroids. I’ve never touched them in my life,” said Miller. “Furthermore, I don’t know any swimsuit models who have. However, there was one model who wasn’t even a real swimsuit model. You know, the one on the cover? Let’s see…hair extensions? Check. Chemical peel? Check. Massive, inhuman amounts of airbrushing? Check. HGH? Probably. I mean I don’t have any proof that she used it, but if they’re going to falsely accuse someone, it might as well be someone who deserves it.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.