ATLANTA--Days after his father, Jim Mora Sr, called Falcons quarterback Michael Vick a “coach killer,” Jim Mora Jr, his coach, said he wished Vick would kill him for real, in order to deliver him from the hell of having to watch his team play every Sunday.

Mora made the comments during a press conference after Sunday’s loss to the Saints.

“You know, it’s ironic that my dad said Mike was a coach killer the other day,” Mora said, “because I really wish he would actually just kill me. Seriously, put me out of my misery. Be a literal coach killer. Push me in front of a bus. I can’t stand watching this team every week. We can’t do anything right. We can’t even knock down a goddamn Hail Mary in the end zone. Nice job, D’Angelo Hall, of trying to catch the ball. Next time just try to slap it away, though, okay? I’d like to keep my job for another five minutes. Actually, no I wouldn’t.”

Mora Jr also said that Vick was the least of his problems.

“Mike is one of my most productive players,” said Mora. “He can run like hell, and he can throw the ball adequately, too, if only his receivers could catch it. But they can’t catch it. And nobody can do anything, and the whole city is turning on us. I just wish the season would end. What day is it anyway? The 27th? Holy shit this season is taking forever. See, that's why I always preach to my players to take it one game at a time. It goes by faster that way.”

Falcons players were stunned by their Mora’s words Tuesday, and wondered if they would ever look at their coach the same way again.

“Ouch. That hurts,” said linebacker Keith Brooking. “As a rule, you generally don’t want your coach saying publicly that he wants to die. It’s a little bit demoralizing. Plus, the press eats this shit up. Now all we’re going to hear about is how our coach wants to die. Poor Coach Mora, blah blah blah. Hey, if he feels that bad, he should just resign right now. There are plenty of other coaches out there who would love to have his job. Yes, I happen to know one of them myself. His name’s Fred. He um…lives upstairs from me.”

Since starting the season 5-2, the Falcons have lost four straight and have looked terrible doing it. Their defense has been porous, their offense one-dimensional, and their overall play sloppy and uninspired. Vick has taken most of the blame from the general public, but insists it’s not all his fault.

“There are a lot of guys who are not getting it done right now,” said Vick, who ran for a 166 yards Sunday but only threw for 84. “Our receivers are dropping passes left and right. The defense has been horrible. They can’t even tackle. The only thing we have going for us is me. Oh sorry, we also have Ashley Lelie, the guy who was dying to come here and be a ‘number one’ receiver. How’s that going for you, Ash? I bet you miss the three catches a week you were getting in Denver.”

Falcons owner Arthur Blank has said that he would evaluate Mora at the end of the season and make a decision on whether or not to retain him. In the meantime, he’s offering his full support of the coaches and the players, and reminding them that the season is not over yet.

“I know morale is pretty low right now, but we still have plenty of time to right this ship,” said Blank. “Coach, just relax. I know you don’t really want Mike Vick or anybody else to kill you. You’re just frustrated. It’s understandable. Your team has been a catastrophic failure. But just keep one thing in mind: you have my full support. And you’re getting fired at the end of the year, so it’s not like you’ve got anything to lose.”


Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.