PITTSBURGH--Following another serious motorcycle accident involving a professional athlete, Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration decreed that all motorcycles belonging to pro athletes must be equipped with training wheels in order to protect the notoriously hapless drivers from breaking their goddamn necks.

“Okay I think we can safely say that athletes can’t drive motorcycles for some reason,” said Richard Faulk, director of the NHTSA. “Clearly, for the sake of these athletes, we must step in and dictate that their bikes be equipped with training wheels. You can’t go as fast with those things, but you can still have a real enjoyable, relaxing drive. And the slow speed will prevent you from getting hurt when you inevitably tumble over the handlebars.”

The new rule is a huge inconvenience for athletes, who have three weeks to complete modifications on their bikes, but Faulk said his agency was forced into action by the recent glut of mishaps.

“Roethlisberger is just the latest incident. There have been many before him,” Faulk said. “Kellen Winslow Jr, Jay Williams, Jamie Henderson, the list goes on. If the general population crashed their bikes at the same rate athletes do, it would be the leading cause of death in this country. It would be worse than cancer. But it shouldn't be a problem now that we’re adding training wheels as well as little tiny bell, which they can ring to announce that an athlete is approaching on a motorcycle and everybody should run for the frigging hills.”

Roethlisberger’s case is particularly upsetting because he had been warned in the past about the dangers of motorcycle riding, and had witnessed Winslow’s serious accident two years ago. Not only did he ignore those warnings, he also rode without a helmet. Predictably, most of his injuries wear to his head and face.

“I told this kid a million times not to get on that damn bike,” said former Steelers quarterback Terry Bradshaw, who told Roethlisberger last season to “ride it when you retire,” “But these young kids don’t listen. They don’t want to hear it from anyone else. Ben bragged about being a conservative, safe driver. Well, then, why the Suzuki Hayabusa, the 'fastest bike in the world,' Mr. Conservative? Oh, and at least get a Harley next time, not one of those gay-ass, multi-colored toy bikes. This isn’t The Fast and the Furious, Ben. It’s downtown Pittsburgh.”

Most NFL teams have guidelines forbidding players from engaging in dangerous activities such as motorcycle riding. The new training wheel law, while a welcome development, is not expected to change that.

“Training wheels or not, we’re still not letting our guys ride motorcycles, at least not during the season,” said Cleveland Browns head coach Romeo Crennel. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s wonderful that they’re taking this precautionary measure, but it’s not enough. These are athletes. Even with the training wheels, they could still mosey into an intersection and get flattened by a truck. Or they could somehow choke on one of the training wheels. I don’t know. There’s so many things that could go wrong, these guys would be better off not leaving the house.”

Crennel then offered a suggestion to make motorcycles even safer for athletes.

“First of all, they should enclose them in glass and metal,” he said. “Then they should add seat belts and a steering wheel. Finally they should have four tires instead of two, and an engine in the front underneath the hood and a trunk in the back and an airbag in the steering wheel. All those things, plus the training wheels should do the trick.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.