NASCAR Drivers No Longer Allowed To Get Drunk During Races

DAYTONA BEACH, FL--After yet another incident of road rage between drivers, NASCAR officials have announced that drivers will no longer be allowed to get drunk during races. The new rule is expected to curb some of the angry confrontations that have plagued the NASCAR circuit in recent months, and also cut down on the number of empty bottles thrown out of window during races.

Jim Hunter, vice president of corporate communications for NASCAR, said the new rule would change the league for the better.

“We’ve had too many incidents of arguments, fighting, and bumping, and one of these days somebody is going to get hurt,” said Hunter. “A lot of that is fueled by alcohol. So from now on, no more beer during races. The only drunken barbarians at NASCAR races should be the fans.”

He also pointed out that driving under the influence of alcohol is against the law.

“Drinking and driving is illegal,” Hunter said. “What kind of example are we setting if we let our drivers, who are looked up to as role models, consume beer while driving at high speeds around a track? That’s not what I call drinking responsibly. Don’t forget, NASCAR has many beer sponsors and they all say ‘drink responsibly.’ Of course, they don’t actually mean it. They’re going to be pissed when they hear about this.”

The rule change comes on the heels of a nasty incident at the Nextel Cup involving Robbie Gordon and Michael Waltrip. While running in the top 10, Gordon was hit by Waltrip on the back straightaway, and reacted by getting out of his car, walking into oncoming traffic, and throwing his helmet at the door of Waltrip’s car. Both drivers admitted that if they weren’t hammered out of their minds, the incident probably never would’ve happened.

“Whoa, what did I do?” asked Gordon the following day, struggling to recall the confrontation. “Oh, yea, I remember. I got out of my car, walked right onto the track and threw my helmet at him. That was a stupid thing to do. I mean, he was totally wrong for hitting me like he did, but my reaction was way over the top. I guess if I was less drunk I would’ve been more in control. The funny thing, though, is that I only drank nine beers during that race. I drink nine beers for breakfast.”

Waltrip also admitted to being under the influence of alcohol.

“Man, I was so shitfaced that day. I just remember grabbing myself a beer and steering with my knees while I cracked it open. Next thing I know—boom—I’m ramming somebody’s car off the road. I could’ve really hurt somebody by doing that. This is the wrong example to be setting for the kids out there. Kids, if you’re going to drink, don’t drive. And if you must drive, don’t try to steer with your knees while you’re opening your beer. Play it safe and pull over to the side of the road first.”

The decision to ban drinking and driving will also force the drivers to make new modifications to their vehicles, including the removal of built-in coolers and bottle openers.

“Now that’s going to be a pain in the ass,” said driver Tony Stewart, whose car contains a built-in mini-fridge. “I wish they would give us more time to do this. I have bigger things on my mind right now then modifying my car so I can be in compliance with some bullshit rule. Don’t ask me how I’m going to race without being drunk, either. That’s going to be quite an adjustment. Wait, I just thought of something else. Does this mean I can't urinate out of the window anymore, either?”