NASCAR Appoints Magic Johnson Token Black Guy

CHARLOTTE, NC--Ervin “Magic” Johnson already has a pretty impressive resume. The hall of fame basketball player and respected businessman has succeeded in almost every venture he has undertaken. Now Johnson has a new position and a new challenge, as he has been recruited by NASCAR to assume the high profile position of Token Black Guy.

“This is a big step for me and another exciting challenge,” Johnson told reporters at a press conference yesterday. “NASCAR is one of the most popular spectator sports in the nation, yet it is still devoid of any minority presence. It will be my honor and my pleasure to serve as a token black guy for photo ops and press releases.”

Johnson said the decision to accept the new position was based partly on his love for auto racing and partly on financial considerations.

“I really do enjoy NASCAR racing,” he said. “I always have. But that wasn’t the sole reason for my taking this job. They also paid me a helluva lot of money. Seriously. You should see how much money they handed to me to be the token black guy. It must be extremely important to them to make people think they care about diversity.”

NASCAR officials insisted, however, that diversity is very important to them and that the Johnson hiring was about more than placating liberals and minorities.

“We remain committed to diversity in the NASCAR ranks,” said chief operating officer George Pyne. “Having a token black guy like Magic Johnson will serve to broaden the appeal of the sport to all people. We’ve tried in the past to market the sport to minorities, but we haven’t been very successful. Honestly, they just don’t seem to like the sport very much. Having Magic around will help convince people that it’s a lot more than just cars driving around in circles—even though it isn’t.”

Having Johnson on board will give NASCAR a level of credibility it has been lacking since its inception in 1949. Long known as a haven for backward, southern white people, the league is seeking to change its image in order to broaden its fan base.

Johnson’s first act as Token Black Guy will be to attend the annual Coca-Cola 600 at Lowe’s Motor Speedway in Charlotte, NC. He will address the crowd following the National Anthem and deliver a speech highlighting the importance of diversity on the NASCAR circuit. He will then utter the famous line ‘Gentlemen, Start Your Engines’, marking the first time in history that an African-American has kicked off a major NASCAR event. None of the drivers have voiced opposition to taking orders from a black man.

“This is a real turning point for NASCAR. Having an African-American kick off the race would have been unheard of a short time ago,” said Pyne. “But I’d like to point out that none of our drivers protested at all. Everybody has been great and very supportive, except for Tony Stewart, who threw a temper tantrum and beat the hell out of a black cashier at a convenience store. But it turns out that was only because he got the wrong change back.”

Johnson is excited about the opportunity to attend the NASCAR event. He plans to spend time with the drivers and exchange ideas about how best to promote diversity. He will also make the rounds in the stands, meeting and greeting the folks who make NASCAR the most popular sport in America.

“I’m really looking forward to talking to the drivers. I’m sure they all have lots of great input for me,” said Johnson. “Talking to the fans will be enlightening, too. I plan on sitting in the bleachers with all those crazy, fun-loving folks. Just me, them, and my six oversized security guards from the Nation of Islam. That way, if there is any trouble, we can at least see a kick-ass fight.”