NHL Suddenly Realizes It Has Franchise In Nashville

NASHVILLE, TN--While going down a list of teams which were possible candidates for contraction, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman made a startling discovery. The league apparently has an actual franchise located in the southern city of Nashville. Where the team came from and who authorized its existence no one can quite remember.

“Nashville - I guess it kind of rings a bell,” said commissioner Bettman. “I’m sure at some point I must’ve known about it, but it totally slipped my mind. I don’t know what the heck is wrong with me these days.”

Bettman isn’t the only one who has forgotten. Nobody in the front office of the NHL seems to remember placing a franchise in the city. What’s more, they have no idea why they’d want a franchise in Nashville.

“Nashville? Wow, the economy must’ve been kick-ass when we came up with that idea,” says Roger Bauman, Vice President of Marketing for the NHL. “I know we got a little carried away with those teams in Phoenix and San Jose. But why the hell we would want to put a team in Nashville? Is there some urgent demand in Nashville for a professional hockey team? Is there an urgent demand anywhere other than Canada and Minnesota?”

Even when told the name of the team, it didn’t ring a bell for Bettman.

“The Predators? Oh that’s fucking original,” said Bettman. “I know I didn’t come up with that one, because it’s too lame. Must’ve been some hotshot marketing genius. Whatever. They’re gone. Contracted. Should we try calling them and telling them or should not even bother?”

During the 90’s, when the U.S. economy experienced unprecedented growth, many NHL franchises left Canada and relocated to America. Still others were built from scratch and placed in such unlikely American cities as Dallas, Anaheim, and Atlanta. Emboldened by the boisterous economy, NHL executives admit they may have used flawed judgment in selecting the locales for expansion.

“Oh, those were good times,” says a former NHL executive, who asked not to be identified. “We had more money than God. We’d get together, drink shots and then talk about expansion. I remember joking about throwing a team in Anaheim and naming them after that stupid movie The Mighty Ducks. Well guess what? Bettman, drunk of his ass, gets Mike Eisner on speakerphone and next thing you know we have hockey in Anaheim.”

The source went on to say that the franchises in Phoenix, Columbus, and Nashville were chosen by “throwing darts at a giant map of the United States while blindfolded.”

“My first throw hit Bettman right in the butt,” said the executive. “We had a good laugh about that. Then my second one hit right in the middle of the state of Tennessee. So we decided on Nashville. Man, the things you do when you’re drunk.”

When told of the anonymous executive’s tale, Bettman nodded his head in agreement.

“Yea, that does sound a little familiar. I do remember doing that thing with the darts. Guess we weren’t too smart. Those were crazy days back then, that’s for sure. He didn’t tell you that story about the midget stripper, the goat, and the unicycle, did he?”