WASHINGTON, DC--When the Washington Nationals acquired second baseman Alfonso Soriano from the Texas Rangers, they thought they could convince him to make the switch to left field. So far he has refused to do so, even after the team threatened to suspend him without pay. At this point he appears ready to sit out the entire season rather than play in the outfield.

GM Jim Bowden said the club had no idea that Soriano was this fucked up.

“Wow, I had no idea. This guy is completely off his rocker,” Bowden told reporters today. “He won’t play left field. He just won’t. He doesn’t even care if he gets suspended without pay. That’s how fucked up he is. I guess I just didn’t see the warning signs the first time I talked to him. He just seemed like another air headed ballplayer to me. Who knew he was this crazy?”

Bowden’s only option now may be to trade Soriano, a prospect that’s looking more unlikely with each passing day.

“How the hell am I even going to trade this guy?” he asked. “Nobody’s going to want any part of him. Eventually he’s going to end up on the disqualified list and he’ll never play for us again. That means we’ll have traded Brad Wilkerson, Terrmel Sledge, and a prospect for essentially nobody. OK, so I’m not Billy Beane. Nobody’s going to be writing a book about me anytime soon.”

Nationals manager Frank Robinson met with Soriano recently and tried to talk him into making the switch. Though Robinson said the conversation was “positive” Soriano still refused to give in to the team’s demands.

Robinson has dealt with unhappy players before, but nobody this fucked in the head.

“This is the first time I’ve ever had a kid refuse to play, just simply refuse to come out of the dugout,” Robinson said, referring to the Monday afternoon game when Soriano was penciled in at left field but never got off the bench. “I’ve never seen anything like it. Is this kid troubled or something? Does he need help? Did something traumatic happen to him in left field when he was a kid? I’d like to know because I haven’t seen somebody so terrified of taking the field since those chunks of concrete were falling from the Olympic Stadium ceiling.”

Soriano’s speed and agility make him the prototype corner outfielder. What’s more, he has always been spotty at second base. That’s why the Nationals felt it was worth the risk to acquire him and try to convert him to an outfielder.

Now that he is refusing, the spotlight falls on Washington’s reserve outfielders, Marlon Anderson, Marlon Byrd, and rookie Brandon Watson, all of whom said they are ready to fill in.

“It’s unfortunate that we have a crazy person on our team, but I want the team to know I’m willing to play wherever they want,” said Anderson, an 8-year veteran. “See, I’m volunteering my services here. I’ve been an outfielder my whole life. It’s really depressing to be passed over for a guy who has no experience playing the position, doesn’t want to play the position, and, in fact, won’t even take the field, even if you suspend him. It’s not exactly a confidence builder.”

Anderson even attempted to speak to Soriano about the left field position, telling him it’s not as bad as he thinks.

“I am a team player so I decided to try and help out the club and talk to Alfonso about playing left field,” he said. “I told him it wasn’t really that bad and that I actually enjoyed it. Then I gave him this big lecture about how, if he works at it enough he might eventually learn to love it and not even want to go back to second base. He just had this blank, creepy expression on his face the whole time. It was like the lights were on but nobody was home. Nice pickup, Jim.”

Ironically, Soriano is looking to be traded, as if any team would want anything to do with a crazy man like himself.

“Yea, his market value is just skyrocketing right now,” said one National League owner. “Everybody’s chomping at the bit to pick this guy up. When he becomes a free agent he’s not going to get anything near what he’s getting paid now. Then again, the Nationals will probably try to resign him to a long term deal with the hopes of convincing him to switch positions some time in the next few years. That seems like something they'd do. ”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.