NBA Players Union Proposes Mandatory Drug Taking

SPRINGFIELD,MA--In an announcement that sent shock waves through the league, the NBA players union has issued a proposal that would require mandatory drug taking for all its players. The moves comes on the heels of recent rumors that the vast majority of NBA players smoke marijuana. With the rampant pot use already in the league, the union decided it would be nearly impossible to prevent all the players from taking drugs

"It would be much easier to force the small group of players who are not high, to get high," said Billy Hunter, executive director of the player's union. "We feel it'll bring some uniformity to the game"

Hunter also said that the initiative would not be limited to marijuana. Any drug would be permitted, even encouraged.

One player rep, who asked not to be identified, pointed out that certain drugs would give the games a much-needed boost of energy.

"Performance enhancing drugs aren't limited to ephedra, steroids, and things you buy at the nature food store," he said. "Drugs like PCP and coke can give players an abundance of energy and confidence and allow them to perform superhuman feats that will thrill the fans."

Owners in the league have had a mixed response to the initiative. Some feel that illegal drug use will give the league a bad name. But others feel that increasing the levels of competition can only help.

"Just imagine," said one owner, speaking on condition of anonymity, "a PCP addled Shaq going up against a coked-up Yao Ming. Imagine how high the players will be able to jump, how fast they'll be able to run. Sure I have misgivings, but it is an intriguing concept."

In an effort to assuage the fears of the league owners and investors, Hunter explained that since most of the players in the league are already on drugs, this initiative will be a lot easier to enforce than the existing policy, which bans all drugs.

"We wont have to make many changes to the way the league operates. It's basically a matter of getting the clean players to get high. We feel that won't be very difficult, since there are so few of them"

One small change that may be made, Hunter noted, will be the music played at arenas. Studies show that drug addicts have a disdain for the watered down pop drivel currently being blasted from PA systems. To create an environment more conducive to hard drug abuse, Hunter has a few other ideas.

"I'm thinking maybe Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon or The Wall. Or maybe even Frank Zappa's One Size Fits All. Have you heard that album? Freaky shit, man."

Other changes would include courtside doctors and counselors.

"Hey sometimes people become ill from these drugs, but more often then not they just need to be 'talked down'. We'll have people on hand for that," he said. "In fact, we've already contacted Robert Downey Jr. regarding a counseling job, and he is open to the idea. Believe me, the health and well being of the players is our primary concern."

Hunter reiterated the sheer amount of drug offenders currently in the NBA.

"You have to understand that getting everyone clean is a daunting task," he said. "You wanna tell Rasheed Wallace to stop toking up? That'd be like telling Osama bin Laden to shave his beard"

Some experts predict that the initiative will actually reduce marijuana use. Players who are stoned during the games will realize fairly quickly that they can't compete with players strung out on harder drugs.

The union doesn't plan to officially float the proposal until the collective bargaining agreement runs out in 2004-2005. But they wanted to "throw it out there" in order to gauge the reaction from the public, the owners and, most importantly, Commissioner Stern.

When reached for comment, commissioner Stern had this to say. "Please kill me"