Nervous Feds Move Superbowl To Undisclosed Location

HOUSTON, TX - Citing “major security concerns”, federal Homeland Security officials have moved Superbowl XXXVIII from Houston’s Reliant Stadium to an undisclosed location. The nation has been on high alert since the holidays and feds say that the Superbowl would be an attractive target for terrorists with weapons of mass destruction. Moving the game will help disrupt any plots that might be in the works.

“This is just one way of keeping ahead of those who seek to do us harm,” said Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge. “We all know that the terrorists are intent on destroying thousands of innocent lives, and a large public gathering such as the Superbowl would be an opportunity for them to do just that. While we don’t have any specific intelligence related to an attack on the Superbowl, we always act with an abundance of caution. We are sorry for the inconvenience this may cause to the teams, fans, and media, but the safety of Americans is always our first concern.”

Ridge would not reveal the new location of the Superbowl, but did say that a suitable location had been found and teams would be notified at the appropriate time.

“This information is given out on a need-to-know basis only,” said Ridge. “And at this time, we do not feel like it would be appropriate to leak the new location. Again folks, you’ll just have to bear with us. The threat against America is real, and our safety will not be compromised, especially during an election year”

High ranking homeland security officials described the threat of an attack as “very high” and insisted that the venue change was a necessary step.

“There is a lot of chatter right now, and it kind of reminds me of before 9-11,” said the official, speaking on condition of anonymity.“I’m terrified right now. We all are, of course, because we’re big pussies.”

The news of the venue change came on Tuesday while the New England Patriots were holding drills at Houston’s Reliant Stadium. Halfway through practice, a Patriots official informed Coach Bill Belichick that the game had been moved to an undisclosed location and the team needed to pack up and go. Belichick quickly huddled his team and informed them of the decision.

“I was informed by Scott [McFarland, the team’s traveling secretary] that we had to go,” Belichick began. “The Superbowl was being moved due to security concerns. We don’t know where it’s going to be, but its not going to be here. We’re just gonna have to make adjustments and move on. That’s the way this team is. This is just one more piece of adversity that we have to overcome.”

Said McFarland: “Commissioner Tagliabue told me that the decision was made hours ago by the Department of Homeland Security. They refused to tell him where, but they implied that they moved it to a different state. We’re not really sure what to do. I guess they’re going to tell us at the last minute, and we’ll go from there.”

Both teams indicated that they would stay in the Houston area and practice at nearby Robertson Stadium until they are given word on where to go.

Ridge emphasized that the nation is on high alert and there is “no timetable” for when the country would be informed of the Superbowl’s new location.

“We may not inform anyone until Saturday night,” said Ridge, during an appearance on Good Morning America. “We just want to make sure we have proper security apparatus in place before we go public with the new information. When the time is appropriate, we will send an encoded text message via Nextel walkie-talkie phones to each team’s owner as to where the venue will be. At that time, the two teams will notify the players via closed circuit radio. The media and the rest of the general public will be informed of the vicinity of the game, but they will not know the exact venue until approximately four hours before kickoff. Take that, Al Qaeda.”

For now, ESPN and all other media outlets will sit tight in Houston until the venue change is made public. NFL Sunday Countdown will temporarily be held in Houston Mayor Bill White’s basement.

“It’s a little cramped down here, but we’ll be fine,” said the always upbeat Berman, after setting up shop in the Mayor’s home. “Mayor White has been incredibly hospitable, and I’m sure that Houston would have been a wonderful city to host the Superbowl, if it wasn’t for the security situation. And let me just reiterate that we support our government 100 percent in their quest to protect the freedoms that you and I hold so dear. I’d also like to give thanks to our troops overseas who, at this very moment, are sacrificing their lives for the freedoms we enjoy everyday. So for the 3 millionth time, let me just say that you guys are the real heroes.”

Although he is disappointed that the Superbowl has been moved away from the city of Houston, Mayor White is happy to host the crew from ESPN.

“Hopefully, this will show America what a warm and hospitable place the city of Houston is,” said White. “It’s too bad about the venue change, but we’re thrilled to have Boomer and the guys in our basement. Everything’s been going great, except I’m pretty sure Michael Irvin stole a lamp from my rec room.”

Despite the colossal inconvenience of not knowing where the Superbowl is being played, league officials say they’re are prepared for the big game and will make whatever adjustments are necessary to comply with the federal government’s decision.

On a more positive note, Ridge has announced that the first annual Lingerie Bowl will be held in its original city, Las Vegas, and no venue change is imminent.