NEW YORK--Football fans and video game enthusiasts around the country are gearing up for the arrival of the much-anticipated new Madden game, Madden 2007, which hits stores on August 22. The latest entry in the wildly popular football series from EA Sports contains several exciting new features, including a totally different picture on the cover and a different year next to the title.

John Madden himself said this year’s installment of the game was “the best ever.”

“Folks, Madden 2007 is unlike anything you’ve ever seen,” Madden said on Tuesday. “After all these years we’ve completely overhauled it. For one thing, there’s a different guy on the cover. It’s Shaun Alexander, last year’s Super Bowl MVP. Yep, you buy this game, and you can have a picture of him right in your own living room. So throw away your copies of Madden 2006, because that piece of crap is an embarrassment. It’s a joke. It might as well be called Tony Kornheiser 2006.”

In addition to the new cover, Madden 2007 also boasts slightly better graphics, which include signature touchdown celebrations for dozens of players, as well as new storyline features that nobody will ever use.

“Wait until you see Daunte Culpepper do his arm-rolling thing when he throws a touchdown,” Madden said. “You’ll think you’re at a game, or better yet, at your house watching the game on TV. And how about the new ‘Superstar’ mode? You get to control a player’s entire career, from off-the-field decisions to on-field performance. It’s the kind of thing you can start and never really finish because it’s so time consuming. Oh, and we have some snazzy new blocking feature that will blow your mind until you realize how deeply flawed it is.”

Monday night, Madden fans were already lining up outside stores for the midnight release of their favorite game. It’s only been a year since Madden 2006 was released, but for these gamers, it feels like a lifetime.

“Come on, come on, come on. Open the damn door,” muttered 27-year-old Tom Fraley, while standing in front of a Best Buy in Manhattan. “Jesus, it’s already 12:10. I would like to get home and play this thing for a few hours before getting up for work. I cannot play Madden 2006 for one more second. I’m just so sick of that picture of Donovan McNabb on the cover. I can’t believe I actually thought that was cutting edge at one point. How could I have been so naïve?”

In order to mark the release of the new game, EA Sports dubbed August 22nd “Maddenoliday,” a national holiday in which gamers can skip work in order to stay home and play Madden. Fans can also pay $19.95 to get a pay-per-view tutorial of the game from ESPN, titled Inside Madden 2007. It’s all part of the massive, multi-million dollar advertising campaign to promote the dazzling new cover and two or three new features.

Josh Boshman, longtime EA sports producer, says the marketing campaign surrounding the latest installment is the largest and broadest ever.

“We’re going nuts with this thing. We’re sparing no expense to get the word out,” Boshman said. “We’ve actually got people paying 20 bucks for a tutorial. Isn’t that amazing? And this Maddenoliday thing is just a…well, it’s not really anything, except a title we gave to the release date to encourage guys to obediently file down to their local Best Buy. It’s a guy thing, see, and if you’re not into it, you’re gay. That was actual going to be our tagline this year, until we realized that Shaun Alexander himself is… forget it.”

When all is said and done, Madden 2007 is expected to be one of the most popular video games of all time, only to be outsold by next year’s version. That’s why a tiny minority of Madden fans are sticking with the 2006 version of the game instead of spending $50 for a minor upgrade.

“You know, I love the Madden franchise, but enough already,” said Long Island resident Gary Phelps. “The new features they have always get really old, really fast, and I always end up reverting back to just playing the stupid game the regular way. I mean, honestly, how many hours can you spend selecting a player’s agent and picking out his wardrobe? It’s a waste of time, and I have better things to do, like pace around my room until the new Grand Theft Auto comes out next year. I heard it’s going to be set on the moon!”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.