New Office Temp Looks Suspiciously Like Akili Smith

MADISON, WI--A new office temp at Global Associates Inc. in Madison, Wisconsin looks suspiciously like former first round pick Akili Smith, sources reported Tuesday. The new worker, assigned to open and sort mail in a small cubicle, has drawn comparisons to the ex-NFL quarterback, and many are quietly wondering if it is actually him.

Carl Diedrick, a business analyst for Global Associates and lifetime Packer fan, believes the new temp is Akili Smith.

“Akili played for the Packers briefly, and I’m pretty sure that’s him,” said Diedrick. “He looks exactly like him, but I really don’t want to approach him about it. He keeps to himself, which tells me that he doesn’t want to be bothered. Makes sense, I guess. If I was Akili Smith and was reduced to working for OfficeTemps, I’d want to keep a low profile, too.”

Diedrick would like to get a closer look at the new temp in order to confirm his suspicions.

“They stuck him in the cubicle way back against the wall, among all the other empty ones,” said Diedrick. “Maybe he requested that, I don’t know, but there’s got to be some excuse for me to walk by and take a peak. Maybe I’ll ask him if I can borrow his stapler. Hell I could even keep it, if he gave it to me. I collect sports memorabilia, and it would be kind of neat to have Akili Smith’s stapler.”

Adding to the cloud of suspicion hanging over the new temp is a report that he introduced himself as “AJ” on his first day of the job. The co-worker, Alice Payton, also said he was him “aloof” and “distant.”

“It was obvious he didn’t want to talk to me. He wouldn’t even look me in the eye,” said Payton. “When I walked up to him to ask him his name, he just muttered ‘A.J.’ and then turned away. I thought it was a little rude, but then Carl told me who he was. I don’t know why he’s so ashamed about it. Working for OfficeTemps is a very exciting career. Hasn’t he seen the commercials? I bet he has a bright future ahead of him.”

Diedrick also noted that Smith was cut by the Packers in 2003, and suggested that he may have given up on his football career to pursue a more conventional occupation.

“If you put two and two together, it definitely adds up,” said Diedrick. “This guy was the backup quarterback for the Packers in 2003, then he gets cut, then a guy shows up at a Wisconsin office who looks exactly like him. Hello? You’d have to be blind not to figure that one out. I just hope he doesn’t screw up this job like he did his last one.”

The new temp's job performance has been a concern to some in the department. Gail Gunderson, manager of data processing, said that if she knew Akili Smith was working for her, she would fire him immediately.

“The people at OfficeTemps told me we were getting a new guy named A.J. They didn’t tell me much else, but they never do. We have a good relationship with them, and we trust their judgment,” said Gunderson. “However, if this guy is the Akili Smith we all know, how would he get a job in the first place? Doesn’t past job performance figure into an employer’s decision on who to hire? The way that guy played quarterback, I’m surprised he knows how to open an envelope.”

While most in the office have been hesitant to approach the new employee, a couple of people have had encounters with him. Both encounters ended badly.

“I walked right into his cubicle and said hello,” said Gregg Keelan, systems analyst for Global Associates. “I wanted to ask him if he was interested in getting involved in our fantasy football league. We needed an extra guy, and he seemed kind of lonely over there, so I thought it would be a nice gesture to reach out to him. Boy, was that a mistake. The second I approached him, he put his headphones on and tried to ignore me, but I tapped him on the shoulder anyway. I shook his hand, told him my name, and then asked him his. He said ‘AJ’ real quiet and then turned away from me. I guess I should’ve walked away right there, but I didn’t. I asked him if he played fantasy football and like, the veins in his neck started bulging out and he closed his eyes and said ‘Go away.’ I left after that. I can take a hint. With anger issues like that, maybe he should think about getting back into the league.”

Another encounter occurred later that same day between A.J. and fellow temp Ralph Pemulis. Pemulis,a University of Oregon alumnus, approached AJ and immediately asked if he was Akili Smith.

“I recognized him instantly,” said Pemulis. “I was psyched. I remember that dude when he was a Duck. He kicked ass! So I walked right up to him, patted him on the shoulder and said ‘Akili! What’s up, dog?’ He turned to me and said ‘Who? I don’t know who you’re talking about. I’ve never heard of Akili Smith. You have the wrong man.’ Then he told me his name was ‘Brad.’ It reminded me of that Bible story where Peter denied Jesus three times before the cock crowed, except that Akili was denying himself, and it wasn’t three times, and there was no cock crowing, and he’s not an apostle—he’s a shitty former quarterback.”