NFL To Put Cap On Gayness Of Touchdown Dances

NEW YORK--In a move designed to preserve the league’s image as a bastion of toughness and masculinity, the NFL has decided to place a cap on the gayness of touchdown dances. The flamboyant celebrations have grown extremely popular in recent years and, according to many around the league, have taken a sharp turn for the gay. Henceforth, all dances will be monitored by the league for sexually ambiguous content and those deemed “too gay” will result in a fine or suspension.

“In the past few years, we have seen a serious increase in the amount of on-field celebrations that take place during games,” said Commissioner Paul Tagliabue, speaking to reporters outside his office. “While we understand that these celebrations are harmless fun, there has been some concern regarding the nature and style of these dances. Simply put, they’re totally gay. Now there’s nothing wrong with homosexuality, but this is the NFL. We’re supposed to be men here, not a bunch of prancing fairies.”

Tagliabue said the dances would be evaluated based on three factors: movement of the hand and wrist, swiveling of the hips, and facial expression. The dances will be reviewed by the NFL rules committee and fines will be handed down when appropriate.

“We have a pretty comprehensive plan in place right now to evaluate these dances,” said Tagliabue. “First, if the player is moving his wrist up and down in a flimsy, limp manner, like Terrell Owens’ bird dance, that would be a write-up and a warning would be issued. If the hips are swiveled in a manner similar to a female exotic dancer, a warning would be issued. If the facial expression resembles that of a sassy pop diva, again, a warning would be issued. Any dance that includes more than one of these qualities will result in a fine and possibly a suspension. And if anyone doesn’t agree with the new policy, well, what are you gonna do about it, sissy boy, challenge me to a dance-off?”

Reaction from around the league was mixed. While a few players applauded the move, most were deeply disappointed in the league for putting a cap on free expression. The Bengals Chad Johnson was the most vocal opponent of the new measure, vowing to continue to do his gay touchdown dances regardless of the consequences.

“Read my lips: Nobody is going to stop Chad Johnson from acting like a big homo when I score a touchdown,” he said. “I am my own person and these touchdown dances are a way for me to express myself. I put a lot of time and effort into these dances, almost as much time and effort as I put into playing football, and I’m not going to let it all go to waste. Just wait until you see what I have planned for next week. Hoo boy, talk about gay. I'm going to make Michael Flatley look like the Under Armour guy.”

Some players took offense to the suggestion that their end zone celebrations are gay. Browns receiver Dennis Northcutt, an oft-overlooked performer of extremely effeminate touchdown dances, believes gayness is in the eye of the beholder.

“I don’t really see what I do as being gay,” he said. “And I’m insulted that the league is saying that. Remember the dance I did when I scored against Arizona? I thought it was really cool and not gay at all. First I posed in front of the fans with my hands on my hips, then I did a little juke step with my feet, then I wiggled my shoulders around and shook my hips like a girl with a hula hoop. Wait a minute…you know what? That is really gay.”

Like it or not, the new rules are here to stay. The NFL expects to hand out some heavy fines in the last few weeks of the season while teams are getting accustomed to the rule. While several players have spoken out against the new measures, some are privately expressing relief that the madness will finally stop.

“It’s about time,” said one Bengals player. “I was starting to get a little worried. Since I’ve been on this team, Chad’s moves have gotten more and more effeminate. I was wondering how far he was going to take it. One time I was blocking for him and he got into the end zone, then he turned to me, grabbed me and tried to get me involved in one of his little celebrations. I was like ‘Dude get your hands off me. I’m not your fucking girlfriend.’ But I tip my hat to commissioner Tagliabue. Someone had to step in and put a stop to all this. After all, football is not a game of overt gayness, it’s a game of repressed homosexual undertones. There’s a big difference.”