NFL Collapses After Nation Suddenly Gets Its Priorities Straight

NEW YORK--The National Football League, once the most popular professional sports league in the entire nation, collapsed last week after Americans suddenly, and without warning, got their priorities straight. Season ticket purchases have stopped, merchandise sales have fallen off the map, and fantasy football leagues have been almost totally eliminated, in what officials are referring to as “Black Monday.”

The cause of the sudden reversal was not immediately clear, but the most popular theory is that Americans have inexplicably come to their senses.

“This is quite an interesting phenomenon,” said Dr. Richard McNeil, sociologist. “It’s like people suddenly realized that sports are completely meaningless, and their growing obsession with them is unhealthy and even weird.”

The collapse of the NFL happened in less than a week. Fan interest is imperative to keep any sport afloat, and without the fans, the league didn’t stand a chance. Interest in all major sports has dropped off, but the NFL is the most surprising, considering the nation’s insatiable thirst for anything football-related.

Said Commissioner Paul Tagliabue: “I…I…don’t know what to say. How could this happen? Everything was going normal and then…poof. It was gone. Don’t people care about their favorite players any more? Their favorite team? The hottest trade rumors? Fantasy leagues? The NFL Network? Madden 2K5? Has the world gone completely mad?”

He added: “We had Toby Keith for the opening night festivities. Toby Keith! He was going to sing that song about America destroying the world. Now i'll just have to listen to the CD.”

With fan interest at an all-time low, the league has been forced to cancel the 2005 season. All players have been sent home until further notice. Even sports media outlets have experienced a radical decline in viewership. ESPN, Foxsports, and various radio shows have reported a staggering drop in ratings.

“This is like the stock market crash. It’s like Black Monday all over again,” said Paul Ankiel, President of FSN. “All of a sudden everything just stopped. I don’t know what we’re going to do now. Imagine living in a country where people don’t care about the top-ten best catches of all time? Imagine living in a world where people don’t want to watch The Best Damn Sports Show Period? It’s madness. Utter madness. We, as a nation, have lost touch with what matters most in life.”

While experts are perplexed at the remarkable chain of events leading to the collapse of the NFL, the fans say that the change was perfectly logical, and that it was “a long time coming.”

“I guess it was pretty silly of me to waste my whole life on football stuff,” said Mark Tavis, 32, of Madison, WI. “I used to wait all year for the football season to start, then wear that stupid cheesehead thing all over the place. Talk about embarrassing. Then one day I was watching the news, and I realized that there was all this important stuff going on. There’s a presidential election coming up with some guy named ‘Bush’ running, the nation is under constant threat from these so-called ‘terrorists,’ and our national debt is at a record high. I thought it was like $4,000, but I was wrong. It’s way higher than that. Anyway, I switched the channel back to ESPN, but my heart wasn’t really in it anymore.”

Rebecca Thomas of Islip, New York, a die-hard Giants fan, had a similar revelation while reading the Sunday edition of the New York Times.

“Usually football season is my time of year,” said Thomas. “As soon as training camp starts, I’m completely engulfed in all things football. I used to spend half my workday surfing the web, reading about my favorite players and memorizing their stats. But that’s over now. I just found out we’re at war in this place called Iraq. I was like ‘Whoa, holy shit! A war?’ Who knew? I guess that’s what my son was talking about when he said he was going to war in Iraq.”

Even some members of the media admitted to having a change of heart about the importance of sports. Trey Wingo, ESPN anchor, said his “epiphany” came during the taping of a routine segment of Sportscenter.

“I was just sitting there mindlessly reading the teleprompter, talking about Ricky Williams for the 50 millionth time, when all of a sudden it hit me: This is a big fucking waste of time,” said Wingo. “My God, what have I been doing with my life? Yesterday I was talking about fucking web gems and Greg Maddux’s 300th stupid win, and then I was talking about the Dolphins running back problems. Why? Why? It’s all a façade. It’s all a lie, goddamn it. It’s all going to come crashing down. I just hope I can still get my severance package.”

The fantasy football industry has experienced perhaps the largest drop-off of any industry other than the NFL itself. Enrollment in rotisserie leagues has dropped to an all-time low, with many participants wondering if there is, in fact, more to life than pretending to be an NFL general manager.

“What the fuck have I been doing all these years?” asked Fred Dolby, 47. “Here I am, a grown man playing a child’s game. It’s bad enough that I spend every Sunday glued to the TV watching these idiots run into each other for millions of dollars, but I spend my workdays on my fantasy team. Aren’t actual sports enough of a fantasy? What’s next, fantasy-fantasy football, where you pretend to be a fantasy football team owner? I’m done with all of this. I’m turning over a new leaf. I just pray that my bookie doesn’t commit suicide.”

Unfortunately for Dolby, his bookie probably did commit suicide. As the news of Black Monday spread across the nation, over three thousand bookies were reported to have taken their own lives. Experts say it is only a matter of time before all sports betting ceases to exists, potentially grinding the US economy to a halt.