NFL Free Agent Signs Make Pretend 6-Year Contract

BALTIMORE, MD--Defensive back Samari Rolle signed a make pretend 6-year contract with the Baltimore Ravens last week that will “pay” him $30.5 million. The former Tennessee Titan will also receive an $11 million dollar signing bonus to compensate for the fact that the deal is essentially a meaningless charade.

“We’re thrilled to have Samari on board,” said GM Ozzie Newsome. “He’s one of the top cornerbacks in the league and will fit in well with our defense. We like him so much we pretended to sign him for 6 years. Damn, that’s a long time. Thank goodness it’s all make believe. He’ll probably be here for two, maybe three years, then we’ll cut him to eliminate his salary. Then maybe at the end of his career, when he’s of little use to anyone, we'll throw him an incentive laden one-year deal. But that’s reality. Here in fantasy land, we’ve got him for six years.”

Rolle is happy with his new contract because it provides him with stability and security, much in the same way that the tooth fairy provides money for lost teeth.

“Every player wants a long term deal so they don’t have to worry about switching teams and relocating their family every couple years,” said Rolle. “The last thing I wanted to do was sign a one year contract and have to uproot myself again in 2006. Plus, the money is great. $30 million will give me and my family the financial security we need. Unfortunately it’s an NFL contract, which means it’s not worth the paper its printed on. Actually, this one was printed on a cocktail napkin. See? It says 6 years. No, wait a minute. Does that say 8? I don’t know. The important thing is I’m getting $11 million bucks.”

Rolle landed with the Ravens after being cut by the Titans for salary cap reasons. Though he was due to make $5.5 million this year, Tennessee chose not to pay him, simply because they didn’t feel like it.

“Sure, he signed a contract with us to make a specific amount of money for a set amount of time,” Titans GM Floyd Reese said. “But in the end we decided, nah, we’re not going to honor that contract. Didn’t feel like it. We’ll keep the money we are contractually obligated to pay and set him free. See, in the NFL a contract is not a legally binding document that guarantees payment and length of employment. It’s just a piece of paper. We actually write ours in crayon.”

The Titans were forced to part with several players in order to bring themselves under the salary cap this year. In addition to Rolle, Derrick Mason, Kevin Carter, Robert Holcombe, Joe Nedney, and Fred Miller were all released before their contracts expired. The team will now work on replacing them with players that will also be released before their contracts expire.

“It’s a vicious cycle, my friend,” said Reese. “Now that we’ve cut all these guys, we’re going to bring in a bunch of slobs to replace them, sign them to phony contracts, and then do the same thing all over again in a couple years. Oh sure, we’ll give them signing bonuses, but they better hold onto them because you never know when the ax is gonna fall. I just wish all those guys the best of luck. I hear Samari got 6-years. Good for you, Samari! Heh heh. I’ll see you in 2 years. I wouldn’t unpack those bags.”

Strangely enough, the majority of NFL contracts are drawn up and signed with the knowledge that they will never be honored. Though it is a difficult system for both players and owners, it has helped the league maintain competetive balance. Unlike Major League Baseball, there is little advantage to being a large market team in the NFL.

“These non guaranteed contracts allow all teams to be competitive,” said Gene Upshaw, director of the NFL Players Association. “See, a team can throw a huge long term deal at a player, knowing full well that they won’t have to pay the whole thing. The player doesn’t mind as long as he gets his big signing bonus. Even if he gets hurt, he won’t get any money unless it was already guaranteed beforehand. But that doesn’t stop these guys from putting their bodies on the line and risking life and limb on every down, which proves what I’ve been saying for years: players are idiots.”