NEW YORK--According to a report released by the Federal Government’s Crime Statistics Bureau, a staggering 28 percent of NFL players still have not been shot. The figure comes as a shock to followers of the NFL, most of whom believed that every single player in the league had been shot at least once in their lives.

The 28 percent who haven’t been victimized by gun violence attributed it to random chance and plain old good luck.

“I can’t really explain it other than to say that I’ve been a very lucky person who’s been blessed by God,” said Cowboys safety Roy Williams. “Obviously, as an NFL player I have had many guns pointed at me and I’ve had many bullets whiz by me. But for some weird reason I’ve managed to escape unharmed. I actually feel kind of left out. Sometimes I’m tempted to go to a nightclub, where as an NFL player I am 100 percent guaranteed to be shot, robbed, stabbed, or tasered.”

Another of the now mythical “28 percent” attributed his good fortune to his own prudence and caution.

“I’m just a very careful person and I watch who I hang out with,” said the Dolphins Chris Chambers, who has been shot a staggering zero times in his career. “I very rarely go out drinking, and when I do, I make sure I go to places where nobody will bother me. For instance, last weekend I went out to a nice quiet sushi bar with my girlfriend and then headed over to a café in the suburbs for a poetry reading. The entire night, from start to finish, I was only shot at twice. Not bad, huh? An entire night out with only two people trying to shoot me? I’ll take those odds any day.”

Just days ago, Chargers linebacker Steve Foley was shot by an off-duty police officer outside his home. In a similar occurrence last year, former Raiders center Barret Robbins was shot by police in Miami.

Other players have been victimized by burglars, like Eagles defensive end Jerome McDougle, who was shot in the abdomen by a group of teenagers. Pittsburgh linebacker Joey Porter was shot in the buttocks during an altercation outside a bar in Boulder, Colorado.

Porter himself was stunned when he heard of the large number of NFL players who have escaped shootings.

“28 percent? Damn, what are these guys doing?” Porter asked. “I thought it was basically a rite of passage for every NFL player to be shot at least once. I hardly ever leave the house anymore because people always want to start shit with you. And don’t even get me started on the cops. It goes without saying that a lot of us players are African-American, which means if you scowl at police it's probable caused to be gunned down in a hail of bullets.”

“That’s why I mind my damn business these days,” he added. “I go right from practice to my hotel and do not pass go and -- Ah! Shit! Duck! Take cover! Oh, wait a minute. Oh forget it. That was just somebody opening a can of soda. Jesus, if you’re going to do that, do it in another room.”

Statistically, NFL players are victimized by gun violence at a much higher rate than average citizens. There are a variety of theories as to why this occurs, but most agree that their high profile and considerable wealth makes them attractive targets for burglars, as well as people who are simply jealous.

Also, NFL players get drunk a lot and say and do stupid things.

“A lot of time the players are at fault for the shootings,” said Bengals coach Marvin Lewis. “They don’t know how to handle themselves in public. If somebody steals your wallet, report it to the police. If somebody starts a fight at a bar, turn the other cheek. If somebody makes a disparaging remark about your girlfriend, walk away from the situation. If you’re girlfriend has a problem with that, remind her that there are a million other girls out there, and she can be replaced faster than an old pair of cleats.”

Sadly, players often find themselves in the line of fire even when they are behaving themselves. That’s why many of the 28 percent feel that they will be victimized soon enough.

“It’s been great so far not to have been shot at,” said Bucs defender Simeon Rice. “I’m a good guy and I avoid situations like that, and it’s worked out for me. But let’s face it: I’m an NFL player. I’m bound to be shot by somebody, somewhere, at one time or another. That’s why I try to keep my eyes open at all times and be eternally vigilant. It sucks, to tell you the truth. But it could be worse. At least I’m not an NBA player.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.