Fugitive Al Qaeda Leader Forced To Get NFL Scores By Courier

MIRANSHAH, PAKISTAN--According to a letter intercepted by US force in Iraq, Ayman al-Zawahri, the second ranked Al Qaeda leader in the world, is forced to get his NFL scores and fantasy stats by courier donkey. The letter, which was sent to Al Qaeda’s leader in Iraq, inquired about the current state of the insurgency, and hinted that the terror network’s communication system had completely broken down

“My brother, our communications have been destroyed by the infidels,” the letter began. “We are able to get information only by courier donkey, and that can take weeks. So I must ask you: How goes the insurgency? Are the crusaders retreating into their foxholes? Also, how are the Chicago Bears doing? The last I heard they were 1-1 and Kyle Orton was starting at QB. Can this be? Please inform. The courier donkey is not expected to arrive for another two weeks.”

The letter also detailed the workings of the terror mastermind’s crude communications network.

“Every month, a boy on a donkey is sent to Kabul to get the NFL scores and stats from Ahmed over at Al-Jazeera,” al-Zawahri said. “Once Ahmed prints them off his computer, he gives them to the boy, who tucks the document into his pants and journeys through the tribal region to bring it to me. My brother, I cannot tell you how I long for that document every day. It is all I have left. Damn the fat Americans and their cell phones that receive up-to-date scores from around the league. We will have no such problems, my brother, when we achieve our pan-Islamic state across the middle east. That should happen within a week or so, yes?”

Finally, al-Zawahri inquired about the NFL power rankings.

“Have you seen any power rankings lately? I was wondering where my beloved Oakland Raiders were ranked. They have recently signed that snake, Randy Moss. He is a godless infidel, and the sword of Islam will someday crush him, God willing, but he does provide a much-needed deep threat. Anyway, good luck with the car bombings and such. At this rate, you’ll probably run out of cars LOL.”

US officials say that the letter is “fascinating glimpse” into the everyday life of al-Zawahri and the inner workings of the Al Qaeda network in Afghanistan. The fact that the terrorist mastermind is unable to attain NFL scores is proof that the US’s strategy is working, says one intelligence source.

“We have completely destroyed their communications network,” said the source, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I mean, who the hell can’t get NFL scores? I can’t walk down the street without being hit off the head with them. Clearly this guy is living in a pretty isolated state and his communication is severely limited. Actually I kind of feel sorry for him. Poor bastard thinks the Raiders are doing well this year. Boy is he in for a rude awakening.”

The source did warn that Al Qaeda was still extremely dangerous, and that they are still capable of executing attacks, despite communications issues.

“This shouldn’t be taken as a sign that the war on terror is over,” the source said. “We all know how patient, calculating and brutal these people are. They are trained to survive under extreme conditions, including total isolation in which they do not have wireless internet access. It’s chilling to think that anyone would want to live like that, but these are essentially cavemen we're dealing with —although I’m sure even the cavemen had some crude form of internet.”

There may be good news on the horizon for al-Zawahri, however. When told of the terrorist commander’s inability to get up-to-the-minute scoring updates, NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue offered a helping hand. The league is planning to work with Afghan authorities to provide al-Zawarhi with stats, analysis, and rankings at the earliest date possible.

“We have heard the cries for help from Mr. al-Zawarhi,” Tagliabue said. “It has always been our policy that nobody, not even the worst criminals, deserve to be deprived of the National Football League. Therefore we will be working with Afghanistan and the Taliban remnants to bring relief to the lawless tribal region of Pakistan as soon as possible. He can also get some quality NFL merchandise—caps, sweatshirts, and shorts—at a discounted rate, since they’re all manufactured within about three square miles of where he’s hiding.”