Nick Harper’s Wife Stabs Him Again For Screwing Up Fumble Return

INDIANAPOLIS--The first time Nick Harper’s wife, Daniell, stabbed him in the leg, it was for domestic reasons. Late Sunday night, however, she stabbed him again for entirely different reasons: Because he fucked up the whole game against Pittsburgh by inexplicably allowing Ben Roethlisberger to tackle him in the open field on his way to scoring the game winning touchdown.

The second stabbing was much more severe than the first, resulting in 15 stitches in Harper’s right arm and 12 more in his shoulder. Not surprisingly, his teammates applauded the move.

“Hey, somebody had to do it. That was one of the worst plays in the history of football,” said safety Bob Sanders. “I mean, give the guy credit for making the play in the first place, but what happened to that return? He was in the open field and had one person to beat, then Roethlisberger grazed him with his arm and he fell to the ground like frigging Manu Ginobli. This isn’t basketball, Nick. You don’t get points for flopping.”

Defensive end Dwight Freeney echoed Sanders’s statements but went a step further, saying he wished he could’ve done the stabbing himself.

“I’m just disappointed that she beat me to it,” he said. “After it happened I grabbed this screwdriver from one of the equipment guys and started charging after him, but my teammates held me back. They were like ‘Dude, hold on. He just made a great play.’ That wasn’t a great play. It was dumb luck. If he scored, it would’ve been a great play. Now we have to listen to what a hero Roethlisberger is. If that was me running with that ball, Ben would be getting my cleat surgically removed from his forehead right now.”

Even Roethlisberger admitted to being surprised by the ease with which he brought Harper down. He described his flailing, back pedaling tackle as a “desperation move.”

“I saw him running down the field and I figured the season was pretty much over,” he said. “He was running towards the sidelines and I knew I had no chance to beat him in a foot race. I had a horrible angle, too, and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, he cut back towards the middle of the field. He cut! Anyway. I still thought I had no chance, so I just reached my arm out and gave him a little love tap. Boom. Down on the ground. Him and his teammates were celebrating the fumble return, but I was thinking ‘They’ll find some way to fuck this up’ and they did. Thank you, Nick Harper. Thank you, Indianapolis Colts.”

Shortly after, kicker Mike Vanderjagt shanked the game-tying field goal, his only miss at home this season. Still, even he blamed the loss on Harper’s now legendary flop.

“I feel terrible about missing that kick,” said Vanderjagt. “But I have to say that all the blame for this loss should fall squarely on the shoulders of Nick Harper. He’s the goat here. I’m a hero. If it wasn’t for my stellar field goal kicking we wouldn’t have been there in the first place. There is no more accurate kicker in the NFL than me- when it's the regular season and we're playing the Arizona Cardinals and we're up 37-0 and we've already clinched a playoff spot.”

As for Harper, he was “saddened” by the fact that his teammates were blaming him for the loss. While resting at his home on Tuesday, he pointed the finger at Vanderjagt, Manning, and the offensive line.

“First of all, my wife is insane. So let’s just get that out of the way right here,” said Harper, who is expected to make a full recovery in time for training camp. “But my teammates? How could my teammates blame me? I made a huge play. We were about to lose the game and I grabbed a fumble and returned it to the 42-yard line. OK, so I got tackled. Well excuse me for thinking we could squeeze out a field goal from there. But this is not the time to whine and complain. It’s the time to point fingers. And I’m pointing mine at Peyton Manning. Let’s face it: He’s a choke artist.”