NHL Adds Two New Franchises During Lockout

TORONTO--In the midst of a lengthy lockout, NHL owners have taken bold steps to increase revenue and tap into new markets across North America. Undeterred by the lack of a collective bargaining agreement and a downward spiral in fan interest, the league has announced the creation of two new franchises—the Mississippi Ice Cats and the New Mexico Frost.

“This is a great day for the NHL and another example of how diverse our product really is,” said commissioner Gary Bettman at a press conference on Friday. “The Ice Cats and the Frost represent our first venture into two lucrative new markets, New Mexico and Mississippi. Like the rest of America, these people are dying for hockey. Hopefully they’ll get it soon. The NHL is one of the fastest growing sports in the country. Watch out, women’s lacrosse! We’re snapping at your heels!”

Bettman scoffed at suggestions that the league should curtail expansion due to the current work stoppage.

“We’re not going to let this labor strife stop us from spreading our game all over North America,” he said. “Unbridled expansion is the key to success in any sport. That’s what made the NHL so great. In the 90’s, we just expanded and expanded and expanded and pretty soon everyone in America was crazy for hockey. Just think, if it wasn’t for expansion, there would be no Phoenix Coyotes or Columbus Blue Jackets. What a chilling thought.”

Players’ union head Bob Goodenow expressed mild surprise at the decision to expand the league. With negotiations currently at a standstill, there might not even be hockey next year.

“Um…we’re expanding? Wow that’s an interesting approach I guess,” said Goodenow. “You think they would’ve learned their lesson from all the expansion they did in the 90’s that pretty much ruined the sport. Apparently they feel that the southern United States is a region that is ripe for NHL expansion. I guess this is why Canadian people are so bitchy all the time.”

Goodenow is not sure how the league expects to generate enough revenue to support two more teams, especially with the current financial climate.

“There are plenty of franchises out there that are struggling just to stay afloat,” he said. “Half the teams that were added ten years ago are on the verge of being contracted. This just proves that NHL owners are delusional. They have no idea how limited the appeal of their sport actually is. But hey, at least they’re not as delusional as the players union. We still think it’s OK to hit each other over the head with sticks.”

In Jackson, MS, citizens are gearing up for a new NHL franchise. According to club officials, a total of nine people have already inquired about season tickets.

“Demand is extremely high right now,” said Sandy Chance, vice president of marketing for the Ice Cats. “The buzz going around about the Cats right now is really growing. It’s threatening to sweep the entire region. OK, I’m exaggerating a little. 9 people have called, and 6 of them called because they thought the Ice Cats were a new country music group. The other 3 were wrong numbers.”

Unfortunately, owner Lars Mickels is threatening to leave the town unless a new arena is built. The current arena, Jackson Municipal Civic Center, only holds 12,000 people and has no luxury boxes.

“We’re unable to be competitive right now because we do not have high priced luxury boxes,” said Mickels, a real estate developer from Michigan. “I would certainly hate to see the good fans of Jackson be deprived of their beloved Ice Cats because the city cheaped out on the arena. The city owes it to its taxpayers to build this thing. Go Ice Carps! I mean Cats”

Over in New Mexico, officials admitted that fan interest is extremely low, but they have been reassured by commissioner Bettman and the other owners that things will pick up.

“Things have been a little slow, but that’s to be expected,” said Bettman. “Obviously with the lockout things have been slow, but we’re in this for the long haul. If history shows one thing, it’s that expansion works. I didn’t get this far by making bad decisions. I got this far by making great decisions that went terribly wrong. There’s a difference.”