NHL Contracts Nine Teams Without Anyone Noticing

TORONTO - According to a report released by the Associated Press Monday, the NHL contracted nine teams during the month of November. The sweeping cuts were made completely unannounced, and to date, nobody has noticed.

“Yes, we did in fact contract nine teams,” said Commissioner Gary Bettman. “We weren’t going to bother telling anyone because we didn’t think anyone would mind. And we were right – nobody has said a word.”

The NHL has experienced a decline in popularity in recent seasons, due in part to over- expansion and the dilution of talent. Several franchises have reported losses and have not been able to draw fans to games. The nine contracted franchises had been deemed “expendable” by the league because of lack of funds and overwhelming fan apathy. The teams are the Atlanta Thrashers, Nashville Predators, Columbus Blue Jackets, Tampa Bay Lighting, Florida Panthers, Buffalo Sabres, Anaheim Mighty Ducks, Phoenix Coyotes, and Carolina Hurricanes. The leftover players were placed in a special supplemental draft and selected by the remaining teams, with the worst team receiving the first pick. The move is expected to greatly improve the competitive balance in the league.

“I guess that makes sense,” said Bruins defensemen Hal Gill. “I was wondering how we ended up with Rick Nash. I figured we just traded for him.”

“They contracted nine teams? Wow,” said Washington’s Jaromir Jagr. “I guess that explains why we haven’t played the Nashville Predators in a while. I thought they were just instituting one of those unbalanced schedules.”

Some players claim to have never heard of the teams that were contracted.

“The Columbus Blue Jackets?” asked the Dallas Stars’ Mike Modano. “Who the hell is that? Are you making that up? Wow, I guess it’s hard to keep track of all this expansion. Maybe now the league will suck a little less.”

The contractions haven’t caused much furor among the fans, either. In fact, to this day, nobody has uttered a word about the departed franchises.

“We cleaned out our locker room, got on the bus and drove out of town, in full view of everyone,” said the Phoenix Coyotes’ Sean Burke. “We even waved to people from our bus, which has the team name emblazoned on its side in ten foot letters. Nothing. No response. I think they thought we were just passing through town.”

Indeed, fans in Phoenix had no idea a hockey team even existed.

“We had a hockey team? That’s a shock,” said Enrique Guerrero, 38. “They should’ve told us. I’ve never seen a hockey game before, and I guess I just never expected there to be one in Phoenix. I mean, why would there be? It’s the fucking desert.”

“I’ve seen the guys going in and out of the building with ice skates,” said Ralph Jennings, who works next door to the Coyotes' arena. “I just assumed it was the Ice Capades or some shit. I never would’ve guessed it was a professional hockey franchise.”

The NHL has experienced severe financial difficulties in recent years, and the contracted teams were among the least financially viable. The Florida Panthers, for example, weren’t able to afford the proper equipment to outfit their players; the Columbus Blue Jackets ran out of sticks; and the Nashville Predators weren’t able to keep the ice in their home arena frozen long enough for an entire hockey game.

“I almost drowned,” said former Nashville goalie Tomas Vokoun. “You’d be surprised how much water there is when all that ice melts. We were up to our waists in it. That was when I knew we were going to be contracted. I guess it’s for the best. Putting hockey in Nashville is like putting a nudie bar in the tribal region of Pakistan.”

Most players, coaches and fans believe the elimination of nine teams will help the league. By cutting out the dead wood, the quality of the competition between the remaining teams will only increase.

Unfortunately, the NHL has not learned its lesson. Instead of standing pat with the remaining teams, the league plans on exploring other expansion possibilities.

“Oh, we’re not even close to being done with expansion,” said Bettman. “The more teams, the merrier. The way I see it, we have nine slots open for new franchises. Sure, we may have been a little hasty in putting clubs in places like Tennessee and Arizona, but there are still plenty of other locales that are ripe for the picking. For example, we currently have league officials scouting locations in the lucrative Mexico/Central America area, as well as the Middle East. And don’t think we’re not scouting North American locations, because we’ve got people in the deep south right now – Alabama, Mississippi, and even Kentucky. Those people are crazy about hockey.”

The players on the contracted teams weren’t surprised at the move to eliminate their clubs. Most say that fan interest had sunk so low that the game was no longer enjoyable.

“When I was in college, there was always a crowd for the games,” said Tampa Bay’s Ben Clymer. “I played at Minnesota, so there was always a cool, rowdy, exciting atmosphere. I was a semi-celebrity on campus and my entire family came to every game to cheer me on. Now my family doesn’t even know where I play. I haven’t talked to my dad in months. I think they’re embarrassed.”

When reached for comment, Clymer’s dad had this to say:

“You mean to tell me he really played in Tampa Bay? I thought he was fucking with me. Tampa Bay, Florida? Wow, who would’ve guessed? Not exactly a hockey hotbed, huh? So where is he playing now? Boston? That’s more like it. I think they actually have ice up there.”

Whether the contractions will help competitive balance in the league remains to be seen, but players and coaches are relieved that they no longer have to travel to places like Nashville and Phoenix.

“Being a Russian guy in Tennessee is difficult, to say the least,” said Alexander Khavanov of the St. Louis Blues. “It’s too hot down there, and the people always look at me funny when I speak. I really feel like a fish out of water there. The one bright spot is that the people of Tennessee usually have fewer teeth than your average hockey player. I guess that counts for something.”