NHL To Donate All Of Players’ Salaries To Hurricane Relief

TORONTO--In what is being praised as the most generous charitable donation in the history of professional sports, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman has announced plans to donate one hundred percent of players’ salaries to hurricane relief. The move came as a surprise to the players, who will now be playing the entire 2005-2006 season for free.

“Oh, um, that’s nice. That’s a good idea,” said the Bruins’ Joe Thornton, scheduled to make over $6 million this year. “I bet that will add up to a lot of money. I guess my only complaint is that they didn’t bother checking with us first. Gary Bettman sure is a generous guy. That being said, this is going to be a long year.”

Bettman said he made the decision, in conjunction with the rest of the league’s front office, after watching the horrific footage of hurricane Katrina on TV. In the end, the total donation could exceed one billion dollars. Still, Bettman said it’s a small price to pay to help those in need.

“Money is no object when there are people out there suffering,” said Bettman. “A lot of people say that donating all of the players’ salaries is going a little overboard, but not me. A lot of people have even said that it was wrong for me to make this decision without contacting the players. Still, more people say that it’s hypocritical of me to give away somebody else’s money without giving a penny of my own money. But you know what? People say a lot of stupid shit. You just have to tune them out.”

The recently-signed collective bargaining agreement between the league and the players union states that a player’s salary can be revoked at any time at the discretion of the commissioner’s office.

“This is just part of the deal that we negotiated with Bob Goodenow,” said Bettman. “So in a sense, the people of the gulf coast have him to thank for all this. As for the players, I would advise them to save their pennies. It’s going to be a long, cold winter. But they should just be happy they’re helping people. Well, I’m helping them actually. The players are just sitting there complaining. Selfish bastards.”

As part of the new CBA, the players were forced to take a staggering 24 percent pay cut. Still reeling from that decision, the players are now being forced to play for free.

“I never thought I would be playing for free,” said outspoken Kings star Jeremy Roenick. “First a 24 percent ay cut and now this. Don’t get me wrong. It’s a great cause. Those people in the south really need the money. But it would’ve been nice if they just let us make a donation and keep our salaries. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Bob Goodenow isn't a very good negotiator.”

The owners are also excited about the donation. Like Bettman, they've been able to make a huge contribution to the relief fund without spending one extra dime.

“This was a great idea by Gary. He deserves a lot of credit for making this happen,” said Atlanta Thrashers owner Bruce Levinson, whose team's payroll is around $24 million this year. “It’s probably the biggest donation ever given by a professional sports league. But those people down there need it more than our players do. The fact that the players are whining about it is a sad testament to the greed and selfishness that has overtaken our sports and, indeed, our society. Shame on them. If I was a fan I would come to the arena and throw rolls of quarters at their heads.”

For his generosity, Bettman has received a special citation from the US government along with a personal phone call from the President. The President said Bettman was a “shining example” and challenged other commissioners to follow his lead.

“Commissioner Bettman has shown a true spirit of kindness in making his billion dollar contribution to hurricane Katrina,” Bush said at a press conference on the White House lawn yesterday. “I challenge the commissioners of baseball, basketball, and football to follow suit. If the players resist, confiscate their money by force. Don't worry about the unions. They're going to be illegal pretty soon if I have my way.”