NHL Labor Meeting Devolves Into All-Out Brawl

TORONTO--With violence in the NHL at an all-time high, it should be no surprise that the NHL Labor meetings, held in Toronto, devolved into an all-out, gloves-off, classic hockey brawl. The tension between the two sides is at an all-time high amid rumors of an impending work stoppage Now, all hope has been dashed by a brutal but exciting brawl.

“Well, that about does it for next season, I think,” said NHLPA head Bob Goodenow, who sustained a broken jaw in the melee. “We weren’t very optimistic about a resolution in the first place, and now we’ve pretty much given up hope. We’re not going to play next year, and that’s that. I hope Commissioner Bettman is happy now. Maybe next time he’ll think twice about giving me a forearm to the skull.”

Commissioner Bettman insisted that it was Goodenow who started the brawl, and several other witnesses supported his story.

“We presented them with our proposal for the salary cap, and they just went nuts,” said Bettman, his head wrapped in a large bandage. “I guess they didn’t like the offer, but that maniac Goodenow didn’t have to slash me across the eyes with a hockey stick. I guess I should’ve been suspicious that he was carrying a stick with him in the first place.”

In the end, the brawl involved all twenty people who attended the closed-door meeting. The conference room at the Toronto Marriot was destroyed, and several people have been hospitalized with serious injuries. Police have gotten involved in the matter, and are investigating to determine if charges need to be brought against any of the participants.

“Normally we let the NHL police itself, even when the players behave like subhuman Neanderthals,” said Toronto Police commissioner Jack L. Bucksford. “But this is a different story altogether. This was no hockey game, it was a meeting at a public hotel. Although from the amount of broken bones, bruises, and major organ damage, it could very well have been a hockey game.”

The only attendee who was not involved in the fracas was Linda Bougeious, the secretary responsible for keeping the minutes of the meeting. Bougeious told police that, while everyone in attendance is partly responsible for what happened, there were a few people who stood out among the crowd.

“Tie Domi. That guy is one crazy bastard,” said Bougeious, still visibly shaken from the incident. “As soon as Goodenow and Bettman started going at it, [league treasurer Pierre] Rochette tried to break it up. Then Tie Domi came out of nowhere, grabbed the guy, lifted him over his head and body slammed him to the ground. Then he started kicking him in the ribs. Rochette was crying and begging for mercy, but Domi wouldn’t stop. And this all happened because Rochette was trying to break up the fight. That’s what makes Domi one of the NHL’s most popular players.”

Bougeious’ allegations stand in stark contrast to the version of events given by the NHLPA. Trevor Linden, president of the union, claimed that Domi was trying to break up the fight and it was Rochette that attacked him.

“With all due respect to Miss Bougeious, that story is complete BS,” said Lindon. “We all know Tie, and he would never attack someone unprovoked. He was actually trying to break up the fight. He was incredibly upset and emotional when the fight started, and did everything he could to soothe the tempers of Goodenow and Bettman, but then Rochette came over and sucker punched him from behind. I’ve never seen such shocking brutality, especially from someone with such a faggy name.”