NHL Much Less Interesting Now That Lockout Is Over

TORONTO--After experiencing a brief period of relevance during its controversial work stoppage, the National Hockey League is back to being uninteresting again, despite a plethora of new rule changes designed to make it interesting. The low ratings and decreased fan interest have some in the league longing for the good old days of last summer, when the bitter collective bargaining sessions elevated hockey to front page news.

“Well it was fun while it lasted, but clearly our 15 minutes of fame are over,” said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman, who thought that the new CBA would result in a resurgence for the league. “I’ll never forget that work stoppage, though. It seemed that every day, Sportscenter was leading with a story about the NHL. We were the laughing stock of sports. Now we’re back to being invisible again. I don’t really get it. There’s still plenty to make fun of, despite the new labor agreement.”

The new rule changes have had a major effect on the game, but very little effect on the American public, leaving Bettman and the rest of the league scratching their heads.

“These are some really great rule changes we instituted,” said Bettman. “The game is much more wide open now. There’s more scoring, and—get this—we have shootouts now instead of ties. Shootouts! One on one! In overtime! And all you have to do is sit through 60 minutes of excruciating, penalty-filled pseudo hockey to get to it.”

Officials are at a loss to explain why fan interest hasn’t climbed higher. Speeding up the game was supposed to bring new fans to the league, fans that couldn’t bear to watch the old, slow, grinding hockey of the past. Instead, new fans are staying away from the NHL in record numbers.

Former players union head Bob Goodenow, who left his post after the lockout ended, says that the league has “no idea” how to appeal to fans.

“The NHL is so out of touch is pathetic,” said Goodenow, who served as director of the NHLPA since 1992. “All these cosmetic changes aren't going to do shit. It's too bad, too, because we had a lot of people’s attention during the lockout. Those were the days, man. I was a celebrity. Everyone was talking about me. Now everyone ignores me, except when I get death threats from disgruntled players. But even those are starting to subside.”

Still, Goodenow said he’s glad to be out of the league and away from the game that he hardly recognizes anymore.

“Hockey has gone downhill,” he said. “Sure, they have a bunch of rule changes, but so what? Do you think people were avoiding hockey because of the red line? Hockey was ruined by expansion, and if they really wanted to be relevant again, they should take the teams out of buttfuck Arkansas and put them back in Canada, or at least the northern US. Oh, and how’s that TV deal with the Outdoor Life Network going? I heard they got a plum time spot right between duck hunting and motorcross.”

Since the lockout ended, the national media has placed hockey on the backburner. Without the quarreling, backstabbing, and bitter feuds, hockey is just another fringe sport like lacrosse or volleyball

“So they have a bunch of rule changes, huh? That’s nice,” said Sportscenter producer Larry Garber. “Sounds really exciting. Tell me though, are they still locked in those bitter contract negotiations? Are they still having high level meetings full of suspense and intrigue? Are they still a national laughingstock? No? Oh, so you’re basically saying hockey is back, only the goalie’s have smaller pads and there are more penalties. I see. Let me know if they go on strike again.”