MIAMI--Retired Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong was spotted at Sky Bar in Miami on Saturday night not making out with a young girl. The 36-year-old reportedly spent the evening in a booth with some friends before leaving unaccompanied around 2 a.m.

Witnesses called the incident “inexplicable.”

“I thought I’d seen it all, but after watching Lance sit there not groping and kissing some chick all night, I guess I was wrong,” said one club employee, who asked not to be identified. “It was just weird, the way he was utilizing his tongue for talking instead of cramming down a 20-year-old girl’s throat. He must have been sick or something. I can't think of any other reason for that bizarre behavior.”

Other witnesses believed they were watching an Armstrong imposter, until they got closer and realized it was really him.

“Somebody pointed out to me that Lance Armstrong was sitting in the corner and I looked over and said 'That's not him. His tongue wouldn't be in his own mouth,'” said bartender Jose Diaz. “But they insisted it was, so I took a walk over to the booth and lo and behold, it was him. You know how sometimes people look different when they take their glasses off or something? He looked different without a drunken groupie on his lap. He looked almost naked.”

Rumors are swirling about Armstrong’s bizarre behavior, with one gossip site suggesting that he has a “serious” drug problem and probably didn’t even know where he was.

“It’s obvious from his erratic behavior that Armstrong has a serious drug problem,” a source told TMZ.com. “He was acting strange all night and witnesses said he was dripping with sweat. The fact that he wasn’t making out with any skanks was a cry for help. That was his Britney Spears head-shaving moment.”

Armstrong released a statement today denying he has a drug problem and downplaying his recent actions.

“There is no truth to the rumor that I have a drug problem,” said Armstrong. “There is also no truth to the rumor that I’m gay or have had my tongue removed. The only reason I wasn’t kissing any girls Saturday night was because I made a bet with my friends that I could go the whole night without doing it. And you know what? I did it. I didn't make out with anybody. It was a daunting task, but I’ve never been one to shy away from adversity.”

Armstrong did say that he would be “slowing down a bit” in terms of night life, so people should expect to see less of him at hotspots around Miami and L.A.

“I am a little tired of all the running around,” Armstrong said. “It’s fun and everything, but it’s a little taxing. I’ll probably slow down and take some time off. You can’t just keep going out every night and drinking and having sex. It’s expensive and exhausting. Plus I have kids and it kinds of screwed up to embarrass them like this.”

Copyright 2007, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.