Nike Solves Unemployment Crisis For Indonesian 10 Year Olds

PEJATEN, INDONESIA--The tiny, poverty stricken Indonesian village of Pejaten was suffering under its worst economic crisis in decades. Unemployment was on the rise, especially among the village’s small children. But just when things were at their worst, the powerful American corporation Nike swooped in and rescued Pejaten from its plight.

“We here at Nike are philanthropists,” says Nike CEO Phil Knight. “When we heard the sad story of Pejaten, we had to step in. Now every ten-year-old in the village has a job stitching Nike sneakers and apparel. It really is a beautiful story.”

The impoverished village was suffering from an almost 100 percent unemployment rate when the sneaker giant caught wind of it’s travails. Never one to turn down an opportunity to help those in need, Nike immediately made plans to open up a “manufacturing plant” in Pejaten.

“Hearing the story of all those little children forced to spend their days cramped into the villages only school room like sardines, unable to earn a living to support their families really tugged at our heart strings,” says Vice President of Overseas Development Ian Mousette. “We decided the best thing to do was to convert the school into a warehouse and pay these kids a fair wage in exchange for their services.”

According to witnesses, several machine gun toting men who claimed to be from the government burst into the classroom and forced everyone out.

“They yelled ‘School is finished!’ and that was it. That was the last time we ever went to school,” said a 9-year-old girl through a translator. “After that, they cleared the desks out and replaced them with these big machines. Now we work there. Thank you, Nike.”

The children of Pejaten are relieved to have the opportunity to earn a wage for themselves and their families, but their enthusiasm does seem a little muted.

Said one 10-year-old, who asked not to be identified: “It is good that I can afford to purchase a thimble of rice to feed my family of eight, but the treatment of the employees is not good. My friend was caught trying to steal a pair of sneakers for his father and was dragged away by armed guards. They took him to the basement. I heard screams. I have not seen him since. Still, a job is a job.”

But local management vehemently denies that the workers are mistreated. Raden Husodo, a former commander in the Indonesian military who has been hired to run the Pejaten plant, insists that all employees are treated fairly and that the Nike Corporation has addressed all their concerns fairly.

“The Nike Corporation is a benevolent savior,” says Husodo. “They are paying me the absurd wage of 3 American dollars per day to run this sweatshop with an iron fist. Tell me which workers are complaining, they will know my fury. The humanitarians of Nike have heard the concerns of the workers and given them all they asked. They are even considering giving them a fifteen minute ‘break’ between shifts so less workers will die on the job and distract their CO-workers from their holy mission of creating Nike apparel.”

Mousette, upon hearing the above comments, attempted to dilute a little of what the former commander had to say.

“You know that phrase ‘You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps’? That’s a good way to describe our plant in Pejaten. We’re just one big happy, dysfunctional family. We even had a company outing the other day. For 3 minutes we allowed the children to walk outside and get a glimpse of actual sunlight. Some of them fell to the ground after being blinded by the piercing rays, but everyone else really enjoyed it.”

When Nike chooses it’s next location for a manufacturing plant, it’s rumored that the company will experiment with a new type of pay scale to better serve it’s employees and adapt to their unique situations.

“It’s called ‘working for free’”, says Knight. “It’s a revolutionary new social experiment designed to give vital job skills to impoverished children around the world. Instead of just handing them money, we’re giving them self- esteem, valuable skills, and hope for the future. Have you ever heard that expression ‘Give a man a fish and feed him for a day, teach him to fish and feed him for a lifetime.’ That’s our philosophy, too. We’re teaching these kids the skills to stitch Nike sneakers for an entire lifetime, and isn’t that the dream of every third world villager?”