HOUSTON--Southern Cal running back Reggie Bush has been the consensus choice for the top pick in this year’s NFL draft since the season ended in January. However, the Houston Texans, who own the top pick, are balking at Bush’s asking price. Reports out of Houston indicate that they may do the unthinkable, and use their prized pick on some nobody defensive end from North Carolina State.

“We are looking at Mario Williams of NC State as a possible alternative to Reggie Bush,” said GM Charlie Casserly. “Williams was a very productive player in college and we believe he is the top defender in the country. He can be a real difference maker. Right now Reggie Bush is being unreasonable in his contract demands, so we think this is a viable alternative.”

Despite the fact that Williams is a nobody and the Texans will be the laughingstock of the NFL if they draft him, Casserly actually seems serious.

“Mario’s nothing to scoff at. He’s a very good, impact player,” Casserly said. “Do you know how many sacks he had last year? 13. That’s a lot. This guy could be the next Lawrence Taylor. You may not have heard of him but that’s only because he didn’t play for a big program like USC or Texas. He also didn’t lateral away the goddamn Rose Bowl, for what that’s worth.”

The fact that Matt Leinart and Vince Young will both be available should they decide against Bush has not changed the Texans mind. However, many scouts believe their interest in Williams is a negotiating ploy, and the Texans will still end up with Reggie Bush.

“They’ve been having problems with Reggie and his agent, and I think this is just a way for them to show that they have a little leverage,” said one NFC scout. “I mean, it has to be. There’s no way they can be considering some defensive end from East Buttfuck State University. Not with actual difference makers available like Leinart and Young. No, this is just a big ploy. On draft day, Marvin Williamson will be left out in the cold no matter how many sacks he had.”

Some GM’s around the league are hoping the Texans follow through on their threat to draft the obscure nobody from NC State. The New Orleans Saints and the Tennessee Titans own the second and third picks respectively and would love a shot at Reggie Bush should he drop down.

“Oh my God if we got Reggie Bush it would be a miracle,” said a member of the New Orleans Saints front office. “We’ll pay him whatever he wants. Who cares? He’s Reggie frigging Bush. What’s the name of that guy the Texans are talking about right now? Mario Williams? Uh-huh. Sure, whatever you say, Charlie. ‘Mario Williams’ is going to be an impact player in the NFL. I think it’s more likely that he’ll be an impact player for UPS. I hear they need somebody with a great motor to deliver their packages.”

Williams was a virtual unknown until the Texans plucked him out of obscurity. Even if he is a great defender, experts say that drafting an anonymous, nothing stranger like Williams would infuriate the fans.

“Drafting Mario Williams would be akin to packing the franchise in a bus and shipping it to Bolivia,” John Madden said on Sportscenter. “Nobody knows who this kid is and nobody cares. He comes from a university in North Carolina that’s neither Duke nor UNC. It’s not even Wake Forest. NC State? Yea I go there if I want a degree in wood shop. For professional football, I’d go to, oh I don’t know, USC? Texas? Anywhere else in the country?”

He added: “At this point the only thing Williams has going for him is that he didn’t lateral away the goddamn Rose Bowl, for what that’s worth.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.