Yankees Insist Nuclear Reactor For Peaceful Purposes Only

BRONX, NY--The New York Yankees today issued a statement claiming that the nuclear reactor they are constructing is for civilian use only.The statement was in response to accusations from other AL teams that the organization may be involved in clandestine nuclear activities.

“We are not involved in any clandestine nuclear activates,” the statement began. “We are simply exercising our right to seek alternative forms of energy. We plan to move forward with the process of uranium enrichment in a complete and transparent way. Any attempt to thwart this process or impose sanctions will be met with the severest of responses.”

Construction of the reactor began a year ago under the supervision of owner George Steinbrenner. Initially, it was described as a parking facility for the new Yankee stadium, but suspicions were raised when a large gas centrifuge was erected over the summer. It was then that the team admitted for the first time that it was enriching uranium.

The admission put the rest of the league on edge, and prompted calls for immediate inspections.

“I think it’s important for the Yankees to step up and explain themselves,” said Commissioner Bud Selig in a press conference yesterday. “It’s hard to believe that they would need a nuclear reactor to provide energy to one baseball stadium and a few offices. I’m not saying they’re lying, but I am saying an explanation should be forthcoming. As we all know, the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction could dramatically shift the balance of power in the American league.”

Red Sox owner John Henry also voiced concern over the Yankees' actions.

“The Yankees clearly are up to something here,” said Red Sox owner John Henry. “Gas centrifuges, uranium enrichment—do we really want to allow the Yankees to possess these capabilities? I know they say it’s for civilian use only but frankly, I really don’t care. As we stated in the collective bargaining agreement, the New York Yankees are not allowed to enrich uranium for any purposes whatsoever. Those rules were put in there for a reason.”

Henry added that the Yankees refusal to halt the enrichment process was a “disturbing development.”

The International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) has already spoken to the Yankees and plans to send representatives next month to begin the first round of inspections. If Steinbrenner fails to cooperate, he could face referral to the UN.

“Right now we are concerned that the New York Yankees are not being completely transparent about their nuclear program” said Mohamed ElBaradei, director of the IAEA. “There are many unanswered questions right now. For instance, why would a baseball team need a nuclear reactor? Where did they get the technology? Why hasn’t the US government stepped in? Also, are they going to go after Juan Pierre? Sorry, my friend wanted me to ask that one.”

Elbaradei’s biggest concern is what the Yankees plan to do when the enrichment process is complete.

“I am concerned about this power being placed in the hands of someone like George Steinbrenner and his Yankee organization,” said ElBaradei. “Remember, this is a guy who was banned from baseball in 1990. This is a guy who once dropped his employees’ dental coverage to cut costs. Heck, this is a guy who made contributions to the Nixon campaign. But worst of all, he let Andy Pettitte go via free agency. I’m sorry, but this is not a man who cannot be trusted the awesome powers of the atom.”

According to an unnamed official, the Yankees probably acquired their technology on the nuclear black market run by Pakistani scientist A.Q. Khan—the same man who provided Iran and North Korea with their nuclear capabilities. The Yankees have refused to divulge the source of their equipment and know-how, however, and have no plans to do so in the future.

“This is our nuclear reactor. It’s nobody else’s business,” said Yankee president Randy Levine. “Where we got the technology is a private matter. This is just another pathetic attempt on behalf of our rivals to reign us in. First it was revenue sharing, then the luxury tax, and now they’re trying to take away our right to civilian nuclear energy. If anyone decides to put sanctions on us, we will cease sending revenue-sharing checks immediately. And you know what that means—no more private jet rides for you, Mr. Kansas City Royals owner.”

At press time, the Baltimore Orioles, Toronto Blue Jays, and Tampa Bay Devil Rays were planning multi-lateral talks with the Yankees to convince them to abandon their nuclear aspirations. The Red
Sox, who have no diplomatic relations with the Yankees, will not participate.