NEW YORK--In response to growing public sentiment that the Yankees need a serious shake-up, owner George Steinbrenner has decided to turn day-to-day operations of the team over to the New York media. The media, which has been an outspoken critic of the team in recent years, always has the best ideas about how to get them back on track and will now get the opportunity to put those ideas to work.

Steinbrenner made the announcement Monday in a press release issued by his spokesman, Howard Rubenstein.

“The recent loss to the Detroit Tigers was a sad embarrassment for myself and the entire city of New York,” the statement read. “For this reason, I am surrendering control of the team to a group of people who know everything: the media. They're such forward-thinking people, and have so many interesting ideas an opinions. Now they will get to run the team as they see fit. Of course, anything less than a World Series victory will be unacceptable. Good luck!”

Representatives from the New York Post, New York Daily News, and the New York Times will be included in a group of a dozen sportswriters from the New York area who will take over Steinbrenner and Brian Cashman’s offices at Yankee Stadium and begin building a contender for 2007. Several members of the media are already calling it “a great move.”

“This is a great, bold move by the Boss, and it’s exactly what this team needs,” said Joel Sherman of the Post. “We already have some things in mind that we want to get done. For our first move, we're going try and move A-Rod. Then Sheffield, then Jared Wright, then Jason Giambi. Once we get those things done, it’s likely that we’ll win the World Series. If not, I’ll be ripping us a new asshole in my weekly column.”

Sam Borden of the Daily News, who will be the new senior vice-president of baseball operations, also called for the trading of A-Rod, and endorsed replacing Joe Torre with former Yankee Lou Pinella.

“Getting rid of Joe Torre would be the way to go, obviously,” said Borden. “He’s a great manager but his time here has come. The only reasonable course of action is to bring in Lou Pinella, who will be the perfect contrast to Joe’s laid back style and will also be a mentor to A-Rod. So um…does anyone have his number? I’m not sure how to go about this. Do we just, like, fax him a contract? I guess I’ll have to call Cashman and ask him. Wait…how do you dial out on these phones?”

Steinbrenner will remain as principal owner but he will not be involved in any of the decision making process. Stephen Swindal, the general partner, will be given the year off.

When informed of the change in leadership, many Yankee players and coaches were uneasy.

“The media is taking over?” asked a concerned Alex Rodriguez. “You mean, like, the Post and the Daily News and stuff? Oh, I see. They’re not too fond of me. I think they’ve been a little disappointed in my performance. I guess the only thing I can do now is execute my no-trade clause and torture those fuckers for another year. Hah. Payback’s a bitch, assholes.”

Former GM Brian Cashman was stunned when he heard the news off the media’s takeover of the team, but he is now resigned to the fact that he’s out of a job, and is wishing the new leadership the best of luck.

“It’s tough to be fired, but that kind of thing happens all the time in this business,” Cashman said. “I wish those sportswriters all the luck in the world. I don’t know if they have all the answers, but they certainly do seem to have a lot of opinions. My one piece of advice to them would be to get some pitching. Get lots of it. Because when the playoffs come, these hitters lay down and die like dogs.”

On Tuesday, the New York papers lauded the Boss for his “gutsy move.” The Daily News called it “a new beginning,” and the Times referred to it as “a step in the right direction.” The Post, however, called it “a big, stupid joke” out of sheer force of habit.

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.