NEW YORK--According to a report in the New York Post, Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez left his home this morning without flossing. “Tooth Or Consequences!” screamed the headline on the back page.

Inside, writer George King wondered just where Rodriguez’s priorities were.

“Apparently the $252 million man can’t afford a little dental floss,” King wrote. “Either that, or he doesn’t respect his teammates enough to show up to the ballpark without chunks of food in his teeth. How is a player supposed to excel on the field when he doesn’t even care about personal hygiene? One has to wonder what A-Rod is thinking. Derek Jeter flosses. Bernie Williams flosses. Randy Johnson also flosses, even though his teeth look like Chiclets dipped in battery acid.”

The headline was accompanied by a close-up photo of Rodriguez’s face that clearly showed a piece of debris wedged between his teeth.

“What's in A-Rod's teeth?” King continued. “It looks like popcorn to me. Maybe our $252 million error-machine has been spending too much time at the movies. If I was him, I’d be watching my game tapes instead. And I’d be flossing at the same time. It's okay to play well and have good hygiene, Alex. You're not on the Red Sox.”

Since coming to New York, Rodriguez has been subjected to relentless scrutiny from both fans and media. The New York Post has been hardest on him, making him a daily target for their taunting and ridicule. Last week the tabloid featured a photo of A-Rod sunbathing with his family, accompanied by an article which questioned his commitment to the team.

Rodriguez insists the attention doesn’t bother him

“It’s all part of playing in New York,” he told reporters before Monday’s game. “It doesn’t bother me at all. I just think it’s funny. The truth is, I forgot to floss this morning because I was in a hurry to get to the ballpark and take some extra batting practice. And yes, it was popcorn in there. And yes, I went to a movie last night. It was Lady in the Water, by M Night Shyamalan. Holy shit it was scary. What, are you going to make fun of me for that now? I only cried once. ”

Rodriguez also scoffed at rumors that the pressure of playing in New York was getting to him.

“Nothing could be further from the truth. I’m having a great time,” he said. “Obviously when you play in a place like this you’re going to be placed under a microscope. Nothing that's written in the paper is going to bother me, especially when it’s a make-believe paper like the New York Post. Isn’t there a D-list celebrity sex scandal they should be reporting on?”

Rodriguez’s teammates say they are behind him 100 percent while he struggles to regain the confidence that made him last year’s AL MVP.

Also, contrary to rumors, the Yankees are not planning to trade their third baseman now or in the future.

“Trade A-Rod? That’s a laugh,” said manager Joe Torre. “We’re not looking to trade Alex Rodriguez, I can assure you. He’s one of the best players in the game. He’s just going through a slump right now. It happens to everyone. It’s just that when you’re making $252 million, people expect you to be perfect every day. Just because someone’s making that kind of money doesn’t mean they’re perfect. It just means they have a really good agent who suckered some idiot into paying them that.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.