HUNTINGTON, WV--18-year-old basketball phenom OJ Mayo, a student at Huntington High School in Huntington, West Virginia, screamed at his fat teammate yesterday in gym class to pass him the ball during a game of hoops. Mayo later apologized, but said the teammate, Jared Wyman, should not be allowed to dribble the ball up court under any circumstances.

“Dude! Give me the ball! Come on!” screamed Mayo as Wyman clumsily dribbled up the court on a fast break. “Over here! What the fuck? I’m OJ Mayo! I’m the top high school basketball player in the country! Give me the ball, you fat shit!”

Finally, Wyman passed the ball over to Mayo, who drove to the basket and executed a ferocious slam dunk while stepping on the forehead of the opposing defender.

“Yea! That’s what I’m talking about!” he screamed as he made his way back down the court. “Nice pass, Jared! Way to go. Now get back on defense, and if you get the ball again, pass it to me. I promise I’ll pass it right back.”

Mayo, who is expected to attend USC next year and then go straight to the NBA after one season, has been dominating his gym classes since he was 13. He readily admits that sometimes he expects too much from his teammates.

“I guess I’m just so used to playing on real basketball teams that I can get a little impatient in gym class,” said Mayo. “But even a non-basketball playing fat kid should know enough not to put the ball on the floor like that. If he’s going to grab a rebound he should be looking up the court immediately and throwing me an outlet pass. I wish our gym teacher would emphasize that, but he’s too busy taking pictures of me with his goddamn camera phone.”

Mayo also gets frustrated with other students in his gym class, specifically those who don’t know how to set a proper screen.

“God, you’d think it was rocket science,” Mayo said. “All you have to do is stand there, but most of these kids can’t even get that right. It’s just so frustrating. I should win pretty much every time I step on the floor, but if my supporting cast isn’t good enough, I’m screwed. Let this be a lesson to all the NBA GM’s out there: If you surround me with the right players, I can take you to the promised land. If you surround me with a bunch of fatsos and nerds, I’m just going to be another Kevin Garnett.”

Wyman and the rest of the students in Mayo's gym class admit that they’re not in the same league as him when it comes to playing basketball, but they feel they should be lauded for their effort instead of ridiculed for their lack of skills.

“Jesus, I wish he would stop screaming at me all the time,” said Wyman, 17. “I’m doing the best I can out there, and despite what he thinks, I have every right to dribble the damn ball up the court if I want to. So we lose. Who cares? It’s only gym class. It’s supposed to be fun. I don’t see him getting all worked up in algebra class when he flunks a test. I can’t blame him for that, though. Getting good grades is about as useful for him as learning how to execute a pick and roll is for me.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.