DENVER--Centerfielder Cory Sullivan ran head first into the outfield wall at Coors field Monday night after catching a fly ball off the bat of the Rangers’ Hank Blalock. Sullivan made the catch with plenty of room to spare, but kept running until he smacked against the wall in order to ensure appearances on Sportscenter and Baseball Tonight.

“Well that should do it,” Sullivan said afterward. “Anytime you run into a wall it’s automatic that you’re going to make the highlight reels. Not only that, the fans and the media will see me as a gritty, hard-nosed warrior. It did hurt a little, though. I do have a black eye. No, let me rephrase that. I have a badge of honor. Hello, web gem! You may be meaningless, but you’ll get me laid consistently for a good 2 or 3 weeks.”

After the game, Sullivan recounted the heroic catch for a group of reporters gathered around his locker.

“The ball came off the bat pretty hard but I got a good jump on it,” Sullivan told the captivated crowd. “As I looked back I paid no attention to where the wall was because I have no regard for my own personal safety. All I could think about was the team. I reached my glove out and made a basket catch, Willie Mays-style, then looked up and saw the wall rushing towards me. I had no time to react. But again, I didn’t care because I have no regard for my own personal safety.”

Sullivan then described the feeling of dizziness and nausea he experienced while sprawled on the ground following his heroic catch.

“I looked skyward and felt dizzy and sick,” he said. “Then Matt Holliday came and stood over me and asked if I was okay. I said ‘Matt, Matt. Forget about me. That’s not important. Did I get the out?’ Then Matt pulled the ball out of my glove and showed it to me. Suddenly a strange sense of calm washed over me, even though I was in horrific pain and my head was ringing. The last thing I thought about before I lost consciousness was how happy I was that I helped the team, and that my wife needs to Tivo Sportscenter.”

Sullivan’s teammates and coaches heaped praise on him for his gritty, selfless style-of-play. It’s the kind of play that has defined the team this season and led to a surprising .500 record.

“That’s just the kind of guy Cory is and the kind of team we are,” said Holliday. “Everybody here is ready to go to war for each other. This is a team that will run through walls to make a catch, not like those sissy teams that curl up in the fetal position whenever a ball is hit to the warning track.”

Later that night, Sullivan got his wish: his spectacular catch was featured on Sportscenter and he was also awarded a prestigious web gem from the crew at Baseball Tonight. The catch also drew rave reviews from analyst John Kruk.

“When you can run into a wall for your teammates, that’s something that they won’t forget and it’s something that can galvanize a whole team,” said Kruk. “There’s a right way to play the game and the wrong way, and this guy plays it the right way, though technically running into the wall isn’t the right way. He looks like he had plenty of time to pull up if he really wanted to. It's probably not as great a catch as it seems at first glance. Whatever. What the hell do I care? They don’t pay me to have original thoughts.”

  Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.