Owens Has Eagles Right Where He Wants Them Now

PHILADELPHIA--Days after arguing with his head coach, being thrown out of training camp, and publicly berating his teammates, receiver Terrell Owens laughed heartily, knowing that his plan was finally coming to fruition. It took weeks of negotiating and some bold, risky actions but Owens and his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, have the Philadelphia Eagles right where they want them.

“Ah, victory,” said Owens, leaning back in his chair and smoking a cigar. “It’s a sweet, sweet thing. It’s like a chess match, really, and I just called ‘checkmate’ on the Philadelphia Eagles. What are they gonna do now? They have no choice but to give me whatever I want. Believe me, in a matter of hours they’ll be knocking down my door with a new contract. All in all, I must say I’ve played this thing brilliantly. This sould be a blueprint for other players. Guys, this is how you make it in the NFL.”

Owens credited his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, for advising him throughout the long ordeal.

“I got the best agent in the business, baby,” he said. “Drew guided me through this whole thing. When he advised me to go on PTI and badmouth my quarterback and my coaches, I thought he was crazy. But it turns out he was right. I did it, and I’m sitting in the catbird seat now. I can’t wait till they come here and beg me to return. I’m gonna make the bastards sweat. Andy Reid’s gonna be eating out of my hand--just like he did last year, when I had that candy bar in my hand.”

Now that his brilliant strategy is paying dividends, Owens can breathe a sigh of relief. It wasn’t long ago that he had serious reservations about the way things were going.

“Did I have doubts at the beginning? Absolutely,” Owens recalled. “I had some sleepless nights, especially when Drew told me I might have to miss training camp. When he told me to go on national TV and say that I never want to speak to my quarterback again, I thought he was nuts. But now I see—oops, wait a minute. That’s my phone. Must be Andy Reid. Hello? Hey, what's up? Sure, I'll be there. That's a great idea. Later. Well, I gotta go. That was Drew. He wants me to go take a piss on the Liberty bell. Man, that guy is a PR genius. ”

When Owens signed with Rosenhaus earlier this year, the Eagles braced themselves for the worst. Rosenhaus has a reputation as a tough, take-no-prisoners negotiator. He took one look at Owens’ contract and decided it was inadequate. To this day, he hasn’t looked back.

“So many people told me I was crazy when I advised T.O. to demand a new contract just one year after signing one,” said Rosenhaus. “But now I’m feeling some vindication. I have a feeling we’ll be getting a call from them real soon. In fact, I already got one from [Eagles GM] Joe Banner. He said I was a scumbag and that I was worse than Hitler and that he would drop dead before giving T.O. an extra penny. Talk about playing hard to get.”

If the Eagles want Owens back, they’re not letting it on publicly. The team has stated repeatedly that it won’t give him a new deal or trade him to a different team. When reached for comment, Banner had some choice words for Owens and his agent.

“What a couple of idiots. Jesus, how stupid can two human beings be?” Banner asked. “Do they really think we’re going to give in now and sign them to a new contract? I’d rather shoot myself in the head. The only thing they are accomplishing, other than sabotaging our whole season, is ruining T.O.’s career. I haven't seen such misguided decision making since last year when we agreed to sign him.”

Banner said that the team has explored trading Owens, but has been unable to find any takers.

“Trading him? Yea, that would be great,” he said. “Unfortunately nobody wants him. This is one of the most talented receivers in the league and nobody has any interest in acquiring him. We can’t even give him away. With that kind of talent he just has to be a marginally decent person. He just needs to prove that he’s not going to single-handedly ruin whatever team he signs with. This is the NFL, man. As long as you don't kill anyone, do hard drugs, or commit a sex assault, you can play for anyone. Let me rephrase that: As long as you don't do hard drugs you can play for anyone.”