CHICAGO--The Chicago White Sox were lackadaisical in their game against the Detroit Tigers on Saturday, and manager Ozzie Guillen was determined to do something about it. In the third inning, with his team losing 4-0, the feisty Guillen ran onto the field to argue a strike call with umpire Tim Friedman, then proceeded to stab Friedman 49 times in the stomach with a fishing knife. Afterwards, the fired up White Sox rallied to defeat the Tigers 6-4.

“Yes! That was awesome!” said first baseman Paul Konerko. “It’s great to have a manager like Ozzie, who knows how to push all the right buttons for us. We were definitely sluggish early on in that game. He knew he had to light a fire under us, and he did. When we saw Friedman lying on the ground bleeding, we were like ‘Come on! Let’s go! Take it to the next level!’ I’m sure this is really difficult for his family, but they can take solace in the fact that we won the game.”

After the killing, the suddenly focused White Sox dismantled the Tigers in impressive fashion, shutting them out while scoring six runs of their own. The loss left the Tigers stunned.

“Dammit, I hate to lose a lead like that,” said manager Alan Trammell. “If you get a 4-0 lead against a team like this, you don’t want to give them any opportunity to come back. But as soon as Ozzie went out there and knifed the home plate umpire to death, the momentum totally shifted. I have to tip my hat to the guy. He’s a master motivator.”

The team is hoping the senseless murder will result in a long winning streak to offset the team’s recent three-game skid.

“Hopefully this can provide the spark that we need,” said third baseman Joe Crede. “A lot of times a simple turn of events can change everything. When Ozzie came out of the dugout to argue, we could tell that he was fired up. It’s just so gratifying to have a manager that cares. That kind of thing rubs off on the players. In fact, just after the game a bunch of us went out and beat up a homeless guy.”

Guillen has always been a controversial figure in baseball. A fiery competitor, he has never been one to mince words or shy away from a fight. Just last week he directed a profanity laced tirade against former player Magglio Ordonez, and also had some choice words for veteran Frank Thomas. On the field, he is known for his run-ins with umpires, but the latest incident may result in a fine, suspension, or worse.

“The league is looking into Mr. Guillen’s behavior with regards to the multiple stabbing and killing of umpire Tim Friedman,” said commissioner Bud Selig. “As a league we cannot tolerate such incidents but we won’t take any action until our investigation is complete. The thing we’re looking at is whether Ozzie went too far in murdering that umpire. We’ve all been in a situation where our emotions got the best of us and we killed someone in cold blood. I still think Ozzie is a quality person. Remember, he’s never done steroids.”

Guillen’s fiery ways may impress some in the league, but others have had enough. Several players, speaking anonymously, say that the manager went too far in this latest incident.

“I’m sorry but you can’t run onto the field and just stab an umpire to death,” said one AL player. “It’s unfair and it’s also morally wrong. But this proves what I’ve been saying all along about Ozzie: he’s insane. He can’t control himself. I guarantee that before his contract is up he will be fired. The team will start off strong and then flounder, because it just doesn’t have enough depth to make it all the way. Trust me, I should know. I’m the left fielder.”

At a press conference today, Guillen refused to apologize for his actions, saying that Friedman had disrespected him and was purposely trying to sabotage his team’s chances.

Copyright 2005, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. this article is satire and is not intended as actual news.