Heat Concerned By Shaq’s Request To Be Paid In Pancakes

MIAMI--Just days after awarding Shaquille O’Neal a 5-year, $100 million dollar contract, the Miami Heat are said to be “deeply concerned” about his request to be paid entirely in pancakes. O’Neal’s weight problems have long been a concern, and some in the front office feel that paying him in food will hinder his ability to stay fit.

“I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do at the moment,” said Heat president Pat Riley. “I understand that pancakes are delicious, especially the blueberry and chocolate chip kind, but it seems to me that $100 million in pancakes is too much for a person with a history of weight problems. Perhaps we could pay him just half of it in pancakes--though $50 million in pancakes is kind of a lot, too.”

In his last few years with the Lakers, O’Neal’s weight became such a problem that his performance on the court suffered. When he signed with the Heat he slimmed down considerably, but the team is now wondering if he’s still serious about losing weight.

“Clearly Shaq is an individual who’s committed to helping this team win,” said Riley. “And I would never question his motivation or his desire. But if you put two and two together here, you might think his request for tons of pancakes signals a departure from his vow to keep his weight down. But I’m giving Shaq the benefit of the doubt here, because, well, because that’s what everybody does. It’s just the thing to do.”

Despite the team’s hesitation, Shaq is not budging from his request to be paid in pancakes. In fact, he’s asking that they be paid to him in one lump sum. That request is not realistic, says Heat GM Randy Pfund.

“There’s no way we’re going to be able to do that,” said Pfund. “We’ve talked to several different pancake establishments and the general consensus is that anything more than one mid-size pickup truck full of them is pretty much impossible. Hopefully Shaq will be willing to accept payment in increments of one truck load per week or something. These things are loaded with carbs, anyway. If he eats too many truckloads in one sitting, he could start to beef up a little.”

Heat trainer Gary Culp pointed out that Shaq will need to increase his workout regimen in order to offset the effects of the pancakes.

“He’s really going to have to put in some extra time on the stairmaster,” Culp said. “That, and maybe a little more jogging. And if I was him I’d try about a hundred sit-ups a night, too. When he’s done with all that, maybe he can get off his fat ass and start practicing his free throws. Sorry, I had him on my fantasy team last year.”

The team is working with O’Neal and his agent, Perry Rogers, to come up with a more practical way to get O’Neal his $100 million in pancakes. In the meantime, Rogers defended his client, saying that Shaq has earned the right to be paid any way he pleases.

“Shaq is the greatest player in the game and he has been for many years now,” said Rogers. “He certainly deserves to be paid his fair market value in any fashion he chooses. And anyone that knows Shaq knows that he loves pancakes. Will he accept them in increments, instead of all at once? Yes, if that’s what it takes to keep the team competitive. But if they shortchange him one single pancake in the next 5 years, they’ll be hearing from his lawyer.”

The Heat will try to accommodate Shaq the best they can, but some members of the team have concerns about O’Neal’s level of commitment. After all, it was only two years ago that he effectively gave up on the Los Angeles Lakers.

“I’m a little concerned. I won’t lie to you,” said one Heat player, who asked not to be identified. “I mean, we all saw what he did in LA. He got fat, he got lazy, and he got surly. He practically forced them to trade him. Then he came here and promised to stay in shape. Well, is this really the best way to keep in shape? If I were him I’d ditch the pancakes and get on that South Beach diet. You get to eat three salads a day and that’s it. It sounds tough, but let’s face it: Shaq is about 150 pancakes away from being dunked on by Darko Milicic.”