Disciplinarian Parcells Kills Two Rookies With Bare Hands

DALLAS--Bill Parcells killed two rookie players with his bare hands yesterday, in an effort to motivate his team after a lethargic practice. The drastic move shook up the team and further cemented his reputation as a harsh disciplinarian.

“He’s tough, but fair,” said running back Troy Hambrick. “He did say before hand that if we were lethargic, he was going to kill two people at the end of practice. It’s not like he didn’t warn us. That’s what makes people respect him. It’s his honesty”

The rookies, safety Matt Dwyer of University of Nebraska and tackle Roy Dawkins of USC, were among the most lackadaisical that afternoon in practice. Dwyer got burned for a touchdown after barely making an effort to keep up with the receiver, and Dawkins let up four sacks on one possession against the second string defense. Parcells repeatedly lashed out at the two youngsters, but to no avail.

“Hey this is coach Parcells’ team now,” said Hambrick. “He doesn’t take any crap from anyone. He’ll let you know who’s boss from day one. That’s what this team needs right now. We need a little tough love.”

According to team sources, the killing came directly after the post-practice talk. With the players gathered around in a circle, Parcells went over some points and then launched into a tirade about the lack of effort and focus during the afternoon’s practice session. He called out two players, Dawkins and Dwyer, and brought them to the forefront of the group. He then proceeded to grab the head of Dwyer and twist it around on his neck until a snapping sound was heard and the player dropped to the ground, where he lay motionless. Then he turned to a terrified Dawkins and karate chopped him in the neck, severing a major artery and killing him instantly.

Said Parcells: “These two boys weren’t worthy of wearing that star on their helmet. Are you?”

“Point made,” said Latrell Mcneil, cornerback. “I thought those karate chop things only worked in the movies. I never saw one in real life. But that’s coach Parcells . He’s real creative when it comes to motivating a team. Sometimes, it takes a double murder to light a fire under someone's butt.”

When asked about the murders, Parcells was his usual wise cracking self:

“Oh, you mean Dwyer? She’s not gone be a problem anymore. And Hawkins? She decided she didn’t want to play on the Dallas cowboys. So that was that.”

When confronted with the possible legal ramifications of murdering two players, Parcells was evasive and a bit testy.

“Look, I’m not gonna waste this whole press conference talking about a couple dead guys,” he said. “Let's just say it didn’t work out. I wish them the best of luck in the afterlife, but right now I’m more concerned with my living players than my dead ones.”

Hall of Fame quarterback and former Cowboy Troy Aikman got wind of the killings at his home in Austin, TX. He said he was pleased wish the news, though not surprised.

“Its about time someone started holding these guys accountable,” he said. “The players today are such pampered millionaires, that sometimes it’s like the inmates running the asylum. Today’s players need more discipline than ever. You don’t win a Superbowl by creating a lax practice environment and tolerating incompetence. You win a superbowl by killing people.”

When asked if he planned to kill any more players during the course of training camp, Parcells wouldn’t commit to any one course of action, but certainly left the possibility open.

“I’m not gonna say what’s in store for the future,” said Parcells at a press conference. “I can tell you that a lot of the guys you see on the practice field right now won’t make the team. Whether they get cut the conventional way or slowly and painfully murdered remains to be seen. My job is to get this team to the Superbowl, not be some bleeding heart wimp who’s afraid to get a little blood on his hands. All I ask if for everyone’s best effort. I know not everyone’s going to All-Pro material, but there’s no excuse for not hustling. If you hustle, you’ll be fine. If not, you may end up with a cyanide tablet in your Gatorade. That’s football for you.”