Pete Rose Wondering If It’s Too Late To Find Jesus

CINCINNATI, OH - Pete Rose has tried everything to get back into baseball. After initially denying allegations that he gambled on the game, he reversed course and admitted to the problem. He later offered a public apology to the league. His last remaining option is to find Jesus and rehab his image, but Rose is wondering if it’s too late even for that.

“Boy, that’s a last resort, but desperate times call for desperate measures,” said Rose, the all-time hit leader, who would be a shoe-on for the Hall of Fame if not for his suspension. “I could just say I’ve overcome my problem and turned my life over to the Lord Jesus Christ and my mission is to give all glory to him. You know, getting into the Hall of Fame would be just one more way for me to glorify Him. I just hope its not too late. Maybe if I found the guy earlier I’d already be reinstated by now.”

Rose is in dire need of an image makeover. The release of his autobiography My Prison Without Bars sparked outrage around the baseball world. Though its purpose was to tell Rose’s side of the story, many found it offensive, arrogant, and unrepentant. With his reputation all but destroyed only Jesus, King of Kings, may be able to save him now.

“My Lord Jesus Christ is looking over me right now, and he’s telling me to spread his Gospel to everyone,” said Rose. “I no longer want to be reinstated into baseball for the glory. I want back in so I can use my high profile position to draw attention to the scriptures and tell everyone the good news of the Messiah. Furthermore, in the Bible it says that gambling is OK as long as you don’t bet on your own team. It’s on page 324.”

While Rose has never been a religious man, he says it’s never to late to be reborn and find your faith. He compares himself to the disciple Paul, who lived for years as a philanderer and a liar until he was struck by the awesome power of the Lord while riding through the desert.

“That’s me. I was in the desert wandering alone and afraid until I realized the power of Jesus’ love,” said Rose. “All of the gambling and lying about gambling were just manifestations of my loss and confusion, the loss and confusion that we all feel during this life. But now…but now…Man, this is hard. How do those born-again weirdoes do it?”

A Jesus makeover will be a hard sell for Rose, but it hasn’t stopped him from trying. He even contacted Bud Selig and informed him that he’d be willing to find the Lord in exchange for reinstatement. Selig won’t publicly confirm that the two spoke, but he did say that a religious conversion for Rose would have no effect on his chances for reinstatement.

“Finding Jesus isn’t going to cut it at this point," said Selig. “That would be the height of hypocrisy, in my opinion. If he had done this a year ago, maybe, just maybe, it would have had an affect. You know, he could’ve came out and said it from the get go. People love hearing that shit. But his window of opportunity has closed as far as I’m concerned. Nobody’s gonna buy it if he suddenly goes all Kurt Warner on us."

Despite Selig’s criticisms, several major leaguers have voiced their support for Rose’s desire to be born again in the Lord. The world of sports is full of former misanthropes who suddenly saw the error of their ways and turned to a path of righteousness, and major league baseball is no different.

Reliever Todd Jones is a member of Baseball Chapel, a loose organization of Christian ballplayers that meets during the season in nearly every major league city. He has applauded Rose for seeing the light, and criticized Selig for being close-minded about religion in baseball.

“Selig is very cynical about the whole Rose conversion,” he said. “What baseball needs are more bland, wishy-washy, whitebread Jesus-freaks who look at Christ as their personal bodyguard and good luck charm. Tell Pete if he wants to join us to call me. We’d love to see him at our Bible study sessions. If he can apply the same intensity to the Good Book that he applied to lying and cheating, he’ll go straight to heaven”

But Rose pointed out that he hasn’t converted just yet. While he appreciates the kind words of encouragement from Jones, he understands that a total religious conversion is not to be taken lightly.

“Jesus Christ, I said I was thinking about converting. I haven’t joined the fucking seminary yet,” he said. “So lets take a deep breath and calm down boys, OK? I’ve already told Bud that I’m willing to find Jesus, but only if it helps me get back into baseball. Otherwise, what would be the point? I’m not sitting around in Bible study meetings with those freaks for nothing.”