NEW YORK--When Andy Pettitte left the New York Yankees in 2004, he thought he would never return. The left-hander signed with the Houston Astros and planned to play out his career closer to home and closer to his family. Now, Pettitte has changed his mind and will head back to the Bronx. He credits the sudden reversal to his desire to finish his career in pinstripes while making $16 million a year.

“I’ve always had a special place in my heart for the Yankees,” Pettitte said. “And I’ve always had a special place in my heart for $16 million. So the combination of playing for the Yankees and making $16 million is a dream come true. I also have a chance to win a World Series here. In Houston we didn’t really have that. It was basically Loserville, though it was close to my family, to which I have this to say: Yawn. My family isn’t that fascinating. I can do without them for a year.”

Throughout last season, Pettitte hinted that he would stay in Houston when his contract ran out, and many in the organization considered it a forgone conclusion they would re-sign him. However, the lure of suiting up for his beloved Yankees, and an eye popping amount of money, proved too great for Pettitte to resist.

“Believe me, I had absolutely no intention of returning to the Yankees,” said Pettitte. “I was planning to cruise into retirement in my hometown and that was that. But then I got a call from the Yankees, the team I won four titles with. I thought about what it would be like to don that historic uniform once again, and play at that stadium once again, and play in front of those great fans again, and then I made my decision: No thanks. But then they outbid the Astros by two million bucks, and the decision was made for me.”

The departure of Pettitte stunned the Astros, who thought their offer of one year at $14 million was more than fair.

“Wow, I thought this one was a slam dunk,” said Purpura. “He really seemed to like it here. But what can you do? The Yankees made a better offer. You can’t blame a guy for trying to make an extra buck. Plus, we have Roger Clemens here, and he told me last season that he really likes it in Houston. That’s good enough for me. He’s not going anywhere.”

Pettitte left the Yankees in 2003 to sign a 3-year, $31 million contract with the Astros. At the time he said he was hurt by the Yankees' lack of interest in retaining him, but that’s all water under the bridge now.

“It’s definitely a good feeling to have Andy back in the fold,” said GM Brian Cashman. “He is a Yankee through and through and this is where he belongs. We were pretty aggressive in going after him this season because we didn’t want to chase another championship without him. He’s family. I only hope he still has his stuff, otherwise we’ll be eating half his contract and trading him to the Devil Rays at the All-Star break.”

The Yankees may also pursue Clemens, who happens to be best friends with Pettitte. Clemens enjoys pitching close to home and most believe he will re-sign with Houston, but seeing his friend go back to New York is giving him second thoughts.

“I have to say, seeing Andy sign with the Yankees is giving me that itch again,” Clemens said in a telephone interview yesterday. “There’s a part of me that wants to rejoin the team I won a World Series with, and there’s another part of me that wants to stay here out of respect for the Astros and everything they’ve done for me and my family. That’s a small part, though. It’s really only as big as the contract they offer me, which probably won’t be as much as the Yankees will offer, which means I’m leaving this jerkwater shithole in the dust and going to collect some bread. Goodbye, Loserville!”

Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.