DETROIT, MI--In the aftermath of Friday’s violent melee at the Palace, the league is asking Pistons officials to halt the sale of crack during games. The Pistons initially balked at the suggestion, but finally agreed to stop the controversial practice after being pressured by Commissioner Stern.

“Though crack smoking has been a tradition at Pistons games in the past, we have been asked by the league to stop selling it,” said Tom Wilson, Pistons president and chief executive of Palace Sports and Entertainment. “Unfortunately some of our fans could not handle the intense and exciting buzz of crack, and have ruined it for the rest of us. Therefore our vendors will no longer carry this item. You’ll have to get it in the parking lot like everyone else.”

According to team officials, crack sales account for a large portion of the arena’s concession revenue. Eliminating that revenue will hurt the club financially, but Wilson said that the safety of players and fans is of the utmost importance.

“Sure, we’ll be losing money, and lot’s of it,” said Wilson. “But you have to do the right thing here. If we continue to sell crack to our fans, we could have another incident just like this, or worse. In this day and age you just can’t trust an arena full of people out of their minds on crack to behave themselves. I blame it on the breakdown of civility in our society.”

The NBA has criticized the Pistons in the past for their decision to sell crack to fans. Since crack is illegal, Commissioner Stern has long believed that it should not be available to the general public during games. He applauded the team’s decision stop selling it.

“I think it’s the right thing to do,” said Stern. “If people can’t relax and enjoy crack responsibly then they need to have that privilege revoked. Did you see that fat guy who walked on the court and got punched by Jermaine O’Neal? That guy was on crack, obviously. Why else would he leave the house looking like that?”

Players on both teams reported seeing pipes being passed around in the stands prior to the melee. As the game went on the fans became increasingly belligerent and increasingly stoned. Some even became paranoid, accusing Pacers players of purposely freaking them out.

Forward Austin Croshere described the fans behind the Pacers bench as “insane.”

“There was definitely some crack smoking going on back there,” said Croshere. “I know they sell the stuff at the Palace and it was pretty obvious that people were taking advantage of that. Some people get really paranoid on that shit, though. This one guy kept accusing me of staring at him. He was like ‘What the fuck? What the fuck are you looking at, Croshere? What? You got a problem? Turn around, motherfucker.’ I wasn’t looking at him at all, but that’s what happens when you sell crack to people who are too immature to deal with it.”

During the brawl, the situation in the stands became even worse. Dozens of fans became involved in the ruckus, with some even stepping onto the court. Most of the fans that took part in the fight are believed to have been crackheads.

“As soon as the fight started on the court I got a little nervous, because I know how these Detroit fans are,” said Pacers guard Freddie Jones. “Once they get all doped up, there’s no stopping them. Plus, they tend to be a little skittish and high-strung. While Artest and Ben Wallace were at each other’s throats I turned around and saw one guy practically having a nervous breakdown. He had a crack pipe in his left hand and his right hand was clutching his chest. His eyes were bulging out of his head. Then all of a sudden he let out this yelp and started banging his head against the back of his seat. But you know what? He was one of the best behaved people in the whole place.”

Now that the team has done away with crack sales, fans are expressing their outrage and disappointment. Without crack, some said they won’t even bother showing up.

Copyright 2004, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and not intended as actual news.