Nation To Cease Making Fun Of ESPN Out Of Pity

BRISTOL, CT--Sports fans, bloggers, writers, and message board posters around the nation today decided that they would cease ridiculing ESPN, the Worldwide Leader in Sports, out of pity for the embattled network. In recent months, ESPN has sunk to historic lows and has been subjected to such widespread ridicule that the public has decided “it’s just mean” to keep picking on them, since they obviously don’t know what they’re doing.

“Okay this is started to get a little sad,” read a posting on the popular blog, Deadspin.com. “It used to be fun to ridicule ESPN, but now it seems a little unfair. It’s just too easy. It’s not even subversive anymore. It’s like making fun of a retarded kid. It’s like making fun of Fox News. Perhaps we should save our vitriol for a more worthy target like, I don't know, the people who watch Spike TV. Learn how to read, losers! Ah, it’s just not the same.”

That sentiment was echoed on another prominent sports blog, The Big Lead.

“Readers, I’m sad to say that we will no longer be savaging ESPN on this blog,” read a post on Tuesday. “The thrill is gone. It’s not even really a fair fight anymore. At some point you start feeling like Michael Moore screwing around with Charlton Heston in Bowling for Columbine. It’s funny and all, but is it really ethical? The guy’s in the throes of dementia. At least pick on someone with the presence of mind to know what the hell is going on.”

The tipping point for ESPN-related ridicule occurred two weeks ago with the debut of a Sportscenter segment titled “Who's More Now?” which featured a panel of experts discussing which sports stars were more “now” based on fame, money, and athletic prowess. The heartbreaking segment was a sad reminder that the Worldwide Leader has lost its way and can no longer be held responsible for its own actions.

“It’s hard to imagine there is somebody at ESPN who thought that was a good idea,” said New York Post media critic Phil Mushnick, who penned an article earlier this week bashing the segment. “It’s even harder to believe I wrote an article taking them to task for it. Have I become so cruel and merciless? Have I become that much of a bully? I think I have. Well that’s it. I’m done victimizing these poor losers. Oh, wait, one last thing: The ESPYs are a giant clusterfuck and I hate everybody involved in them.”

A spokesman for ESPN welcomed the news that they would not longer be subjected to merciless ridicule from the masses. However, she scoffed at the notion that ESPN had “lost its way,” and instead claimed the network was on the cutting edge of the so-called “sports-pop culture intersection.”

“Well it’s good to hear that all these jerks are going to stop making fun of us,” said Cheryl Hanley, ESPN senior director of programming. “We don’t think we deserve the ridicule anyway. The real problem is that nobody else can really grasp what we’re doing. It’s the whole sports/pop culture intersection thingie, and we’re just getting started. This fall, we’re debuting a show called ‘Who’s Wealthy?’ where we just go through various celebrities’ bank accounts and give an award to who has the most money. Now that may be shallow, but it beats the hell out of watching Bob Ley gnashing his teeth about gender equity laws.”

This fall, ESPN will debut a new show called “Slummin’ It,” in which they pay celebrities and sports stars to have lunch with average nobodies while co-hosts Kevin James and Stuart Scott provide the play-by-play. The show will replace Baseball Tonight in the 10 PM spot on weeknights.

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