Fans To Take Over Redskins' Play-Calling

WASHINGTON, DC-With their season all but over after yet another demoralizing loss, the Washington Redskins have decided to take the unprecedented step of allowing their fans to take over the offensive play calling. The move relegates new play-caller Sherm Lewis to the position of “consultant” while Jim Zorn will remain head coach.

Redskins GM Vinny Cerrato said of the decision: “What the hell.”

“What the hell, right?” Cerrato told a group of reporters on Tuesday. “The season’s over, the team stinks, we’re going nowhere fast – why not do something for the fans and let them call the plays? They’re all such know-it-alls, anyway. Let’s see if they can do any better. Actually, they only way they can do better is if they can find some plays that don’t involve passing, running, or blocking.”

Fans who wish to participate will be presented with a series of possible plays on the Redskins website and be asked to choose which one to run for every down. The play with the most votes will be relayed to Sherm Lewis, who will relay it to Jim Zorn, who will relay it to Jason Campbell.

Cerrato believes this will help the frustrated fan base feel more involved in the team’s fortunes.

“The fans probably feel powerless right now watching this team flounder,” said Cerrato. “Hopefully this makes them feel like they’re a little more involved in things. Then, when we continue losing, I can write a post on my gay little blog about how bad the fans are at calling plays and how they should all be fired and then I’ll exit my mother’s basement for the first time in two months and take a shower. What’s that? No, I’m not bitter at all.”

For Jim Zorn, the move is just another in a string of humiliating setbacks that many feel will lead to his long-overdue resignation. However, on Tuesday Zorn insisted he’s not going anywhere.

“I’m not a quitter so I won’t do that,” said Zorn. “I’ll stay with this team until the bitter end. Hopefully the fans will do a good job calling plays and help get us back on track. I can definitely feel their frustration. Hell, even I’d like a crack at calling the plays, but I’m just the head coach. I can’t sit here and be an armchair quarterback.”

Sherm Lewis also seemed to be on board with the change. However, he did have a warning for fans eager to call plays for the Redskins: it’s not as easy as it looks.

“There are a lot of things to consider when calling plays,” Lewis said. “First of all, you have to consider your personnel. You can’t really call many deep passes because we can’t give our quarterback time to throw. Running plays are a must, though you’re not going to have many big gains because our running backs stink and or linemen can’t block. Even simple slant patterns can get a little hairy because our receivers don’t run good routes and our center can barely snap the ball right.”

“Anyway,” he continued, “it doesn’t really matter what you call because it always winds up as the same thing: Campbell dropping back to pass, getting happy feet, checking down and throwing the ball sideways to a receiver who everyone knows is getting the ball. After a few series, you’ll be relieved when the center can’t snap the ball to the quarterback.”