HARTFORD, CT--Critics are railing against a controversial new video game that simulates shooting people standing in line to buy Playstation 3. Final Purchase, created by Rockstar Games, will be available November 25 in stores everywhere and is expected to be greeted with a flurry of protests.

However, the makers of the video game are defending their creation.

“This is a great game,” said Rockstar spokesman Rodney Walker. “Those who are criticizing it are not even giving it a chance. The premise is very simple and very harmless: You open fire on innocent people standing in line at a Best Buy, and when everybody is dead you walk around and collect their Playstations. If you want, you can bludgeon the corpses with a baseball bat. So what are people complaining about? It’s not like there’s a sex scene in it or something.”

Final Purchase is especially controversial in light of a recent incident in Connecticut in which a young man was shot for refusing to hand over his Playstation 3. Rockstar says the game is not meant to make light of the shooting.

“That shooting was a tragic incident and we would never make light of it,” said Walker. “We are completely sensitive to the victim. If anything, this game depicts the reality of what happens when you do kill innocent people. You might get your precious game system, and you might get away scot free, but in the end, you suffer because you stole the game and can never return it if something goes wrong. So in a sense it’s a cautionary tale.”

Rockstar Games is no stranger to controversy. Their Grand Theft Auto series has long been a target of criticism for its perceived glorification of violence, bloodshed, and mayhem. Now critics are attacking Final Purchase for the same reasons.

“This game is an abomination,” said Rachel Walsh, president of the National Institute of the Media and Family. “It actually simulates gunning down innocent civilians at an electronics store. If you kill enough of them and sell enough stolen Playstations, you’re able to buy this huge mansion and have all kinds of cars and women at your disposal. That’s a horrible message to be sending to kids. You’re supposed to get your whores and fast cars through hard work, not senseless murder.”

Despite the protests, Final Purchase is one of the most hotly anticipated games of the past decade. Retailers are expecting long lines and security guards will be on hand to deal with any potential problems.

“There’s going to be a big crowd of people here on the 25th,” said Stan Plummer, manager of a Best Buy in Hartford, CT. “We are prepared to deal with that. We’re going to have plenty of copies of Final Purchase on hand, and we’ll even provide coffee and donuts to the folks in line. Let’s just hope there are no incidents of violence. We don’t want this to be these folks’ ‘final purchase,’ if you know what I mean. Heh. Wouldn’t that be ironic? It would actually be kind of cool, provided the dead had already paid for the game.”

Some watchdog groups are gathering signatures for petitions and planning protests at retail chain stores across the country. Unfortunately, they are not likely to prevent stores from carrying Final Purchase.

“We know we’re fighting a losing battle by trying to prevent these stores from selling it,” said Walsh. “But we just want to spread awareness more than anything else. We just want people to realize what they are buying for their children. That’s why we’re going to stores around America to protest. Here we come, America, to save your children! And to inadvertently make this the hottest video game of the year.”

Copyright 2006, The Brushback - Do not reprint without permission. This article is satire and is not intended as actual news.